Everyone is doing the "Recap of 2009" or "Best of 2009" in the bloggie-blog world...To be honest, it's causing me the blues....The title of my blog is truer today than it has ever been...I MISS THE REAL ME...I did have some great times this year, don't get me wrong. But in the grand scheme of things, the "real" me feels more lost than ever.
Have you ever felt completely powerless to change anything about your life? I'm not talking about the changes that last a few weeks, or even a few months....like New Year's Resolutions, but...lasting change?.....I feel trapped and smothered by this feeling....I hate the victim mentality, but it is scary feeling out of control. Spiritually, that might be a great place to be..."surrender" and all that jazz about "letting go and letting God", but to me.....my relationship with God has been the scariest part of my year..I hate looking back with regret, knowing that I have tried to fight everything He's brought my way....I know better. But, it's like I can't remember the truth about who He is or who I am anymore. I need an intervention...
Have you ever felt like you are drowning in longing? It's an ache that I almost can't stand. I feel like I am caught between the solitude I know I need and the restlessness that makes me fight it. Maybe everyone has to get this desperate? I know God hasn't really "gone" anywhere...but man, I miss Him like you wouldn't believe....
The New Year often seems like a time of new beginnings, and it seems weird that the passing of a day ushers all that hope in...I can't imagine spending another year like the last...so much wasted time, so many opportunities lost....I know that change is not instant, it does not happen, for the most part, over night. I'm hoping to see some change in myself this next year, but even more than that, I'm hoping to see God.
