I started reading "One Thousand Gifts", by Ann Voskamp last week...and WOW. I had been reading her blog before realizing that she was the one who had written the book.... I guess every book has its "time"...you know, the "time" that you are "supposed" to read it, cause any other time would not be right, you would not be ready or it would not impact you in the same way. I admit, I'm usually someone who runs the other way when "the next thing" comes along and "everyone" is reading it or doing it. I let the hype settle down and go back later to explore...
So, I'm contemplating this "Eucharisteo" life and noticing God's gifts everywhere. And I smile and I laugh and I am knowing the joy of recognition of these things that speak His love..But it has uncovered a pride that I didn't see before...and it hurts. Because I hold back my thanks from God....somehow in my mind, I think that to say "thank you" means that I am telling Him that I'm okay with the way my life is...that I am okay with being single at 36 with no, even remote, prospect of a husband....that I'm okay with wanting to be a mom someday and obviously that isn't going to happen (at least biologically) unless that man does come and even though I want to adopt, I do not want to be a single parent....that I'm okay with my job, wondering what the heck my life is for and why He has me where I work, or even in the profession I'm in...that I'm okay with the way my body was made and that I don't turn heads, and that I'm getting older and things are just not the way they "should"be......To give thanks, goes against everything I feel and see, and so I hold back and turn away and stomp my feet and throw a baby-tantrum that my life is not what I'd thought it would be..
But in the end...that whole drama...just hurts me. This is the way I protect myself from hoping and being disappointed....AND...it's the way that I keep from having to live by faith. It makes me bitter...tightly pulled into myself and unable to love others or give anything of myself. It is the self-life....and my self is spent.
So I say "thank you"...sometimes, with joy and delight and lately.....with tears and cries and pain. Because sometimes, it is a sacrifice to let go and..... trust that God loves me and that all the things I see and feel are not necessarily true....that I can give of myself, whether it is praised, recognized, or accepted because I don't have to look to other people to tell me who I am....that He has a plan for my life that REALLY is good even when every circumstance seems to contradict that. Because this world is not my home. Reality, TRUE reality, is in the spiritual realm and this is a battle. And God has said that I will fight this battle with thanksgiving and praise. It's not all sunshine and roses. But if I know nothing else about walking in His will, I know that it is and always will be His will to offer thanksgiving. And so even though I am failing to obey in just about everything, maybe in taking the baby steps of offering my thanks, the rest will start to work itself out. Because thanksgiving gives birth to humility....and God not only resides in praise but is with the humble and contrite in spirit. So, ultimately, He IS answering my prayer and I just didn't see it before....because His kindness in these gifts leads me to repentance...and this acceptance, though struggling, reveals His nearness. Isn't that something? He is answering the very things I have prayed for......
And today, one day, one moment at a time...I open my hands to receive and say "thank you, God" and I sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me (Psalm 13:6).
Friday, November 9, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Baby shampoo and fire hoses...
So it's been a bazillion days since I wrote last on this blog...my mind is jumbled with so many things to think about. I know that I need the refuge of Jesus because all this wondering and wishing and planning and worrying is making me tired. It amazes me how many unrelated thoughts can pass through my mind in just a few minutes and then it seems no wonder that I can't just sit still and settle down in His Presence. Most of my thoughts and plans have nothing to do with Him. Some days I'm oblivious to this and other days it shames me.
I need a healthy dose of Truth these days, because my perceptions and emotions lie. And I'm tired of the lies....and the immaturity...and the excuses...and the disobedience. You always hear about how you "know something in your head, it just hasn't made it to your heart yet"....I beg to differ on that. I say that I know the things that Jesus has already placed in my heart.... but it hasn't made it to my head yet. My heart has already been made new. My mind, however, needs to be renewed day by day by day and I admit I haven't been washing it with the water of the Word.
So last time I went shopping I was being cheap and bought baby shampoo for myself because it was on clearance and thought, "why not"? If it's good enough for babies, it's good enough for me, right? Anyhoo, today as I was using that shampoo I was thinking about how gently you wash a baby....and I'm thinking that instead of that gentle washing, how I need a fire hose kind-of washing....a full-blast, no-dirt-is-gonna-stay wash to my mind. Because I'm pretty much a hypocrite. I don't live out who I am in Christ most days, though I try to call others to do so. I'm passionate about others knowing God in intimate ways, while I punch the time clock, giving Jesus His token 15 minutes of "quiet time". I go on about how we don't have to perform for God's love and then hide in shame when I fail. I tell others that diets don't work because they don't get at the heart issues of overeating, and start the green smoothies again so I can fit into my jeans.
So....you know how there's someone in your life you haven't seen or talked to in a while and so much has happened since you last talked and so you just avoid the conversation because you just even don't know where to start? That's kind of how I've felt with Jesus lately. Yesterday I was on my bed and thought, "I should go for a walk. It's such a nice day." So I walked down to the Clinton Library, to the bridge path recently built. The sun was warm, but the breeze was cool enough to still need my sweatshirt and scarf...I was listening to a broadcast of Revive Our Hearts that featured Erin Davis. She was talking about how what she was living on the outside was no comparison to the turmoil that was going on in her heart, because Jesus needed to heal her heart and she was avoiding it. I could identify, I've been doing the same. I didn't really tell Jesus that but I started to tear up because of the shame. And you know what He did?
He spoke to me through a song. He showed me a beetle, running along and clearly on an important mission. I wondered where he was going and what God had for him to do today. I saw a man, who had pulled out an easel...setting up to paint in the most random of places and tying a shirt around his head so that his neck wouldn't burn. I thought "What does he see that he had to stop on the side of the road and paint it before it disappeared?" Then....a row of trees. Now, God knows I LOVE trees, especially in the fall. The trees were exploding in so many brilliant shades of yellow, red, and orange. The wind was blowing and those little leaves almost seemed lifelike in their response to their Maker....stretching to reflect their colors as the sun bounced off of them and yet, clinging...to the branches with their tiny stems to keep from being pulled free....It was almost like God was saying to me that I am like those leaves...straining hard to reflect His glory but wanting to cling to the safety of my branches...would I be willing to be carried along on the breeze of the Holy Spirit and let Him take me somewhere? Nature was bursting with movement and color and purpose and....LIFE. And it overwhelmed me....these gifts. I avoid Jesus and He gives me gifts? Isn't that just like Him? Who needs condemnation? Or even conviction? His kindness always leads me to repentance.
I turned my face to the sun and drank Him in....and smiled....and praised...and walked home.
I need a healthy dose of Truth these days, because my perceptions and emotions lie. And I'm tired of the lies....and the immaturity...and the excuses...and the disobedience. You always hear about how you "know something in your head, it just hasn't made it to your heart yet"....I beg to differ on that. I say that I know the things that Jesus has already placed in my heart.... but it hasn't made it to my head yet. My heart has already been made new. My mind, however, needs to be renewed day by day by day and I admit I haven't been washing it with the water of the Word.
So last time I went shopping I was being cheap and bought baby shampoo for myself because it was on clearance and thought, "why not"? If it's good enough for babies, it's good enough for me, right? Anyhoo, today as I was using that shampoo I was thinking about how gently you wash a baby....and I'm thinking that instead of that gentle washing, how I need a fire hose kind-of washing....a full-blast, no-dirt-is-gonna-stay wash to my mind. Because I'm pretty much a hypocrite. I don't live out who I am in Christ most days, though I try to call others to do so. I'm passionate about others knowing God in intimate ways, while I punch the time clock, giving Jesus His token 15 minutes of "quiet time". I go on about how we don't have to perform for God's love and then hide in shame when I fail. I tell others that diets don't work because they don't get at the heart issues of overeating, and start the green smoothies again so I can fit into my jeans.
So....you know how there's someone in your life you haven't seen or talked to in a while and so much has happened since you last talked and so you just avoid the conversation because you just even don't know where to start? That's kind of how I've felt with Jesus lately. Yesterday I was on my bed and thought, "I should go for a walk. It's such a nice day." So I walked down to the Clinton Library, to the bridge path recently built. The sun was warm, but the breeze was cool enough to still need my sweatshirt and scarf...I was listening to a broadcast of Revive Our Hearts that featured Erin Davis. She was talking about how what she was living on the outside was no comparison to the turmoil that was going on in her heart, because Jesus needed to heal her heart and she was avoiding it. I could identify, I've been doing the same. I didn't really tell Jesus that but I started to tear up because of the shame. And you know what He did?
He spoke to me through a song. He showed me a beetle, running along and clearly on an important mission. I wondered where he was going and what God had for him to do today. I saw a man, who had pulled out an easel...setting up to paint in the most random of places and tying a shirt around his head so that his neck wouldn't burn. I thought "What does he see that he had to stop on the side of the road and paint it before it disappeared?" Then....a row of trees. Now, God knows I LOVE trees, especially in the fall. The trees were exploding in so many brilliant shades of yellow, red, and orange. The wind was blowing and those little leaves almost seemed lifelike in their response to their Maker....stretching to reflect their colors as the sun bounced off of them and yet, clinging...to the branches with their tiny stems to keep from being pulled free....It was almost like God was saying to me that I am like those leaves...straining hard to reflect His glory but wanting to cling to the safety of my branches...would I be willing to be carried along on the breeze of the Holy Spirit and let Him take me somewhere? Nature was bursting with movement and color and purpose and....LIFE. And it overwhelmed me....these gifts. I avoid Jesus and He gives me gifts? Isn't that just like Him? Who needs condemnation? Or even conviction? His kindness always leads me to repentance.
I turned my face to the sun and drank Him in....and smiled....and praised...and walked home.
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