So it's been a bazillion days since I wrote last on this blog...my mind is jumbled with so many things to think about. I know that I need the refuge of Jesus because all this wondering and wishing and planning and worrying is making me tired. It amazes me how many unrelated thoughts can pass through my mind in just a few minutes and then it seems no wonder that I can't just sit still and settle down in His Presence. Most of my thoughts and plans have nothing to do with Him. Some days I'm oblivious to this and other days it shames me.
I need a healthy dose of Truth these days, because my perceptions and emotions lie. And I'm tired of the lies....and the immaturity...and the excuses...and the disobedience. You always hear about how you "know something in your head, it just hasn't made it to your heart yet"....I beg to differ on that. I say that I know the things that Jesus has already placed in my heart.... but it hasn't made it to my head yet. My heart has already been made new. My mind, however, needs to be renewed day by day by day and I admit I haven't been washing it with the water of the Word.
So last time I went shopping I was being cheap and bought baby shampoo for myself because it was on clearance and thought, "why not"? If it's good enough for babies, it's good enough for me, right? Anyhoo, today as I was using that shampoo I was thinking about how gently you wash a baby....and I'm thinking that instead of that gentle washing, how I need a fire hose kind-of washing....a full-blast, no-dirt-is-gonna-stay wash to my mind. Because I'm pretty much a hypocrite. I don't live out who I am in Christ most days, though I try to call others to do so. I'm passionate about others knowing God in intimate ways, while I punch the time clock, giving Jesus His token 15 minutes of "quiet time". I go on about how we don't have to perform for God's love and then hide in shame when I fail. I tell others that diets don't work because they don't get at the heart issues of overeating, and start the green smoothies again so I can fit into my jeans.
So....you know how there's someone in your life you haven't seen or talked to in a while and so much has happened since you last talked and so you just avoid the conversation because you just even don't know where to start? That's kind of how I've felt with Jesus lately. Yesterday I was on my bed and thought, "I should go for a walk. It's such a nice day." So I walked down to the Clinton Library, to the bridge path recently built. The sun was warm, but the breeze was cool enough to still need my sweatshirt and scarf...I was listening to a broadcast of Revive Our Hearts that featured Erin Davis. She was talking about how what she was living on the outside was no comparison to the turmoil that was going on in her heart, because Jesus needed to heal her heart and she was avoiding it. I could identify, I've been doing the same. I didn't really tell Jesus that but I started to tear up because of the shame. And you know what He did?
He spoke to me through a song. He showed me a beetle, running along and clearly on an important mission. I wondered where he was going and what God had for him to do today. I saw a man, who had pulled out an easel...setting up to paint in the most random of places and tying a shirt around his head so that his neck wouldn't burn. I thought "What does he see that he had to stop on the side of the road and paint it before it disappeared?" Then....a row of trees. Now, God knows I LOVE trees, especially in the fall. The trees were exploding in so many brilliant shades of yellow, red, and orange. The wind was blowing and those little leaves almost seemed lifelike in their response to their Maker....stretching to reflect their colors as the sun bounced off of them and yet, clinging...to the branches with their tiny stems to keep from being pulled free....It was almost like God was saying to me that I am like those leaves...straining hard to reflect His glory but wanting to cling to the safety of my branches...would I be willing to be carried along on the breeze of the Holy Spirit and let Him take me somewhere? Nature was bursting with movement and color and purpose and....LIFE. And it overwhelmed me....these gifts. I avoid Jesus and He gives me gifts? Isn't that just like Him? Who needs condemnation? Or even conviction? His kindness always leads me to repentance.
I turned my face to the sun and drank Him in....and smiled....and praised...and walked home.
