Everyone is doing the "Recap of 2009" or "Best of 2009" in the bloggie-blog world...To be honest, it's causing me the blues....The title of my blog is truer today than it has ever been...I MISS THE REAL ME...I did have some great times this year, don't get me wrong. But in the grand scheme of things, the "real" me feels more lost than ever.
Have you ever felt completely powerless to change anything about your life? I'm not talking about the changes that last a few weeks, or even a few months....like New Year's Resolutions, but...lasting change?.....I feel trapped and smothered by this feeling....I hate the victim mentality, but it is scary feeling out of control. Spiritually, that might be a great place to be..."surrender" and all that jazz about "letting go and letting God", but to me.....my relationship with God has been the scariest part of my year..I hate looking back with regret, knowing that I have tried to fight everything He's brought my way....I know better. But, it's like I can't remember the truth about who He is or who I am anymore. I need an intervention...
Have you ever felt like you are drowning in longing? It's an ache that I almost can't stand. I feel like I am caught between the solitude I know I need and the restlessness that makes me fight it. Maybe everyone has to get this desperate? I know God hasn't really "gone" anywhere...but man, I miss Him like you wouldn't believe....
The New Year often seems like a time of new beginnings, and it seems weird that the passing of a day ushers all that hope in...I can't imagine spending another year like the last...so much wasted time, so many opportunities lost....I know that change is not instant, it does not happen, for the most part, over night. I'm hoping to see some change in myself this next year, but even more than that, I'm hoping to see God.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
A reprint of an old fav...and still quite relevant
I had forgotten all about my MySpace account until today, I don't think I've checked in in about a year. I came across an old blog entry and was surprised (although I shouldn't have been) at how relevant it was to my life right now...So, I thought it was worthy of a repost...
So....I haven't posted a blog in a while....I've been doing a lot of thinking since I've been home and have had plenty of time on my hands... Things have settled back into the mundane of life and ,in some respects, it's good to just not have an agenda. In other respects...I am restless. You know how some people you know are always waiting for the next thing to come along? The next experience...the next event...the next activity? God hasn't been too forthcoming with the details of my future lately and I admit that I haven't been the most patient person waiting...I am a planner, and it has been hard to wait on direction! I want to be told what I need to do next, so I can go get it done.Not exactly how God operates. He isn't about to help me be independent of Him! It has caused me to examine pretty closely how I define myself. How do I see myself when I don't seem productive? What about when I can't handle things in my own strength or do things on my own? What can I tell people that I am learning about God and my relationship WITH Him apart from what I am doing FOR Him? Those that know me well can attest to this: I am a recovering legalist that defines myself by what I do, what I accomplish, what results I achieve...This flies in the face of all that God has been teaching me for quite a while, and sometimes I am surprised how easily these things come.... I shouldn't be. I may struggle with remembering this the rest of my life. I will say that my eyes have been opened to more pride in my life than want to see, much less deal with...and that is always hard. My dad told me the other day, in one of his more vulnerable moments, that he was sorry that he hadn't "been there" for me as I was growing older. I was surprised...to say the least...to hear this from him, and yet somehow it helped me to know that he realized that. But then he said something I don't think I'll ever forget..."You seemed to have it all together. I just didn't think you needed me..." Ouch! But the issue of independence had come out again. I felt that I had to handle things on my own, because I couldn't trust anyone to take care of me. I had to portray this picture of strength and self-sufficiency, so that no one would see my weakness, uncertainty, vulnerability....because to me, failing was the ultimate humiliation. And besides, when people know you are weak they will use it against you...right? These days, I am finally seeing that for the self-destructive thing that it is, not only in my relationship with God, but with others.No one wants to listen to someone that has all the answers, who never falters, who never needs grace...and who never gives it. It's not easy for me to be vulnerable, even with God. Yet, with Him, I can place all my need in His hands and it never overwhelms Him. I pray that the more I know Him, the more dependent I become. It's humbling to be dependent, but, then again .....God says He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble...and, man, do I need it!
So....I haven't posted a blog in a while....I've been doing a lot of thinking since I've been home and have had plenty of time on my hands... Things have settled back into the mundane of life and ,in some respects, it's good to just not have an agenda. In other respects...I am restless. You know how some people you know are always waiting for the next thing to come along? The next experience...the next event...the next activity? God hasn't been too forthcoming with the details of my future lately and I admit that I haven't been the most patient person waiting...I am a planner, and it has been hard to wait on direction! I want to be told what I need to do next, so I can go get it done.Not exactly how God operates. He isn't about to help me be independent of Him! It has caused me to examine pretty closely how I define myself. How do I see myself when I don't seem productive? What about when I can't handle things in my own strength or do things on my own? What can I tell people that I am learning about God and my relationship WITH Him apart from what I am doing FOR Him? Those that know me well can attest to this: I am a recovering legalist that defines myself by what I do, what I accomplish, what results I achieve...This flies in the face of all that God has been teaching me for quite a while, and sometimes I am surprised how easily these things come.... I shouldn't be. I may struggle with remembering this the rest of my life. I will say that my eyes have been opened to more pride in my life than want to see, much less deal with...and that is always hard. My dad told me the other day, in one of his more vulnerable moments, that he was sorry that he hadn't "been there" for me as I was growing older. I was surprised...to say the least...to hear this from him, and yet somehow it helped me to know that he realized that. But then he said something I don't think I'll ever forget..."You seemed to have it all together. I just didn't think you needed me..." Ouch! But the issue of independence had come out again. I felt that I had to handle things on my own, because I couldn't trust anyone to take care of me. I had to portray this picture of strength and self-sufficiency, so that no one would see my weakness, uncertainty, vulnerability....because to me, failing was the ultimate humiliation. And besides, when people know you are weak they will use it against you...right? These days, I am finally seeing that for the self-destructive thing that it is, not only in my relationship with God, but with others.No one wants to listen to someone that has all the answers, who never falters, who never needs grace...and who never gives it. It's not easy for me to be vulnerable, even with God. Yet, with Him, I can place all my need in His hands and it never overwhelms Him. I pray that the more I know Him, the more dependent I become. It's humbling to be dependent, but, then again .....God says He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble...and, man, do I need it!
Friday, October 2, 2009
I want...I want...I want...Well, as long as we are being honest...
Some of my wants (hey we've all got em!) Adapted from another fellow bloggers list..with appropriate changes. Some of them were so "me", I left them as stated.
1. I want the freedom to appear foolish in front of others for the sake of living an authentic and joyful life.
2. I want to realize that I have already died and there is no other death to fear; let us commence with the living!
3. I want to cultivate boldness and perseverance in the Lord.
4. I want to be humble enough to say the hard things, ask the hard questions, and ask forgiveness.
5. I want to perform well at something, for once!
6. I want original art throughout my house.
7. I want to invite people to my home every week to share in my life.
8. I want someone to buy the house for sale across the road who is a more mature, stable, knowledgeable version of me. I want her to always have time for me, to come over and cook in my kitchen. We will go out to eat and maybe even travel interesting places together. We will be best friends for the rest of our lives and she will never go away.
9. I want to receive a personal letter to make up for every thoughtful piece of mail I’ve sent over the years that never elicited a reply
10. I want long hair with bangs that looks cute in hats.
11. I want friends and teachers to hold my hand and walk me through everything.
12. I want a paid job writing and responding to personal letters
13. I want to be able to walk up to a person I do not know and introduce myself and have a conversation with them and not feel like a total loser.
14. I want to be unafraid to cry in front of people when things aren’t going so hot.
15. I want to come home after a social event and not hate myself for all of the annoying things I said, the insightful things I should have said but didn’t, the way I cowered in the corner, the food I should have enjoyed
16. I want all the women who love me to come around me for a week, catching me off guard, tromping through all the doors in my house, camping in my yard, snoring in the ext room, bearing gifts of art and food and lessons and laughter, hugging me, holding me, patting me on the back, smoothing my hair saying “There there. We love you, this is a beautiful life, we’re going to help you out here, hold your hands, teach you what you need to know, sit in a circle with you and talk and share and be honest, and bring you out of yourself, out of this dark pit, into community and confidence in the Lord your Strength and Grace!”
17. I want the freedom to eat things I know are really bad for me once in a while
18. I want to feel free to be happy in front of people, to be silly, to enjoy myself
19. I want the freedom to be imprecise, extravagant, careless or unmindful…without consequence…just sometimes
20. I want to eat bacon and cheese and ice cream and pounds of jelly bellies! Not all at the same time. Okay. All at the same time.
21. I want to memorize Ephesians, Galatians, and pretty much a bunch of the Psalms.
22. I want to get up at 5am and feel refreshed, to actually be productive, to enjoy the morning…every day for the rest of my life
23. I want to floss my teeth every night
24. I want to bake bread every week, homemade…and cinnamon rolls…and eat them…and not gain weight
25. I want people to stop commenting on everything I do and say. Give me a break!
26. I want to stop being so judgemental.
27. I want to be able to ride my bike a long distance..or at all! I need air in my tires. And I want a really sweet road bike.
28. I want to be a really loving friend
29. I want to enjoy my life, no regrets
30. And not be so bloody miserable so much of the time
31. I want to stop being so hard on myself
32. I want to develop the ability to be joyfully spontaneous
33. I want someone to teach me how to make my own clothing
34. I want to be able to have a plant and not kill it.
35. I want to learn to make my own almond milk and learn how to dehydrate foods.
36. I want someone to teach me how to garden year round, and by “teach” I mean “Practically put their hands on top of mine as we use the broadfork and walk down the rows together
37. I want to have a clue as to what to cook for myself each night.
38. I want someone to teach me to use my camera to its potential and how to edit my photos so they look like I halfway know what I’m doing.
39. I want to know how to make a great cup of tea
40. I want an expanded vocabulary with a guide to pronunciation (pronunciation can be tricky when you learn most new words from a written source)
41. I want to know several hymns by heart (all the verses)
42. I want someone to teach me how to knit useful and beautiful things
43. I want someone to be my forever personal trainer and running coach, who is knowledgeable in treating injuries or is just so good that I never have any!
44. I want to learn to speak conversational Chinese. I really, really do.
45. I want to feel comfortable dressing like my old self in vintage clothes and unique stuff. I’ve gotten in a jeans and hoodie rut
46. I want a cute little house that I OWN, that is already remodeled and the value will go up every year
47. I want to give people fabulous, unexpected gifts that are either very special or very practical but always very appreciated
48. I want bamboo floors and beautiful thick rugs throughout my home
49. I want a fenced in front porch with a hammock
50. I want a kitchen “nook” with a window seat
51. I want affordable, fast wireless Internet, in my home, without a contract
52. I want a wall of book shelves filled with tons of books on every subject I love and people cab come over and settle in a cozy chair and read in my “library”
53. I want attractive, comfortable living room furniture with enough room for people to sit and to mingle and no cat claw marks on the sides
54. I want someone to burn my journals when I die. There are some things that are just between me and God
55. I want to pare my belongings down to the essentials, leaving the daily bread up to the Lord. Of course, this would negate my desire to have someone give me a mega shopping spree at REI, where I can raid the place and get all the cool gear I want!
56. I want to be the kind of person that everybody knows they can talk to, confide in, discuss problems with, and always receive wise counsel or friendly conversation
57. I want to live with determination and focus
58. I want to be able to pick up and go at a moment’s notice with everything I need packed into one small bag
59. I want to spend more time in silence, listening
60. I want everything in my home to have a place
61. I want to generate no more than a shopping bag full of trash per month
62. I want to give away half of my income
63. I want to love my home
64. I want to be that old woman who is a grandma to everyone
65. I want my organs donated and my body cremated
66. I want any kids I might have to love God with their whole being and worship God with a psalmist heart
67. I want to critically read through all the literature I didn’t get to in high school
68. I want to write a blog, thoughtfully and impact tons of lives
69. I want to be able to sing in public and not be utterly humiliated
70. I want to be able to dance without being so self-conscious…the tango, salsa and belly dancing
71. I want to be content with what I have and have a genuine heart of gratitude
72. I want to see the Northern Lights
73. I want to live with Sara (aka Happy Foody) for a month to absorb her enthusiasm, eye for everything, motivation, skill, knowledge, and people skills
74. I want to go to a ranch in Montana and ride horses and be wild
75. I want to be able to write songs.
76. I want to use my Passport, even though my photo looks like I just recovered from the plague
77. I want to travel lots of places and meet lots of people (how’s that for generic?)
78. I want to be able to run a marathon in around 3 hours! How’s that for lofty!?
79. I want to do triathlons...and be able to keep doing them as I get older
80. I want to be beautiful, inside and out...content and comfortable in my own skin and not be so obsessed with my body and it's imperfections
81. I want to be able to praise the Lord despite my circumstances and feelings
82. I want to meet my brothers and sisters int he persecuted church and minister to them...boy, that's prideful...
83. I want to give myself away, without worrying if the gift of myself is worthy or not
84. I want to be an encouragement to those that are depressed and without hope
1. I want the freedom to appear foolish in front of others for the sake of living an authentic and joyful life.
2. I want to realize that I have already died and there is no other death to fear; let us commence with the living!
3. I want to cultivate boldness and perseverance in the Lord.
4. I want to be humble enough to say the hard things, ask the hard questions, and ask forgiveness.
5. I want to perform well at something, for once!
6. I want original art throughout my house.
7. I want to invite people to my home every week to share in my life.
8. I want someone to buy the house for sale across the road who is a more mature, stable, knowledgeable version of me. I want her to always have time for me, to come over and cook in my kitchen. We will go out to eat and maybe even travel interesting places together. We will be best friends for the rest of our lives and she will never go away.
9. I want to receive a personal letter to make up for every thoughtful piece of mail I’ve sent over the years that never elicited a reply
10. I want long hair with bangs that looks cute in hats.
11. I want friends and teachers to hold my hand and walk me through everything.
12. I want a paid job writing and responding to personal letters
13. I want to be able to walk up to a person I do not know and introduce myself and have a conversation with them and not feel like a total loser.
14. I want to be unafraid to cry in front of people when things aren’t going so hot.
15. I want to come home after a social event and not hate myself for all of the annoying things I said, the insightful things I should have said but didn’t, the way I cowered in the corner, the food I should have enjoyed
16. I want all the women who love me to come around me for a week, catching me off guard, tromping through all the doors in my house, camping in my yard, snoring in the ext room, bearing gifts of art and food and lessons and laughter, hugging me, holding me, patting me on the back, smoothing my hair saying “There there. We love you, this is a beautiful life, we’re going to help you out here, hold your hands, teach you what you need to know, sit in a circle with you and talk and share and be honest, and bring you out of yourself, out of this dark pit, into community and confidence in the Lord your Strength and Grace!”
17. I want the freedom to eat things I know are really bad for me once in a while
18. I want to feel free to be happy in front of people, to be silly, to enjoy myself
19. I want the freedom to be imprecise, extravagant, careless or unmindful…without consequence…just sometimes
20. I want to eat bacon and cheese and ice cream and pounds of jelly bellies! Not all at the same time. Okay. All at the same time.
21. I want to memorize Ephesians, Galatians, and pretty much a bunch of the Psalms.
22. I want to get up at 5am and feel refreshed, to actually be productive, to enjoy the morning…every day for the rest of my life
23. I want to floss my teeth every night
24. I want to bake bread every week, homemade…and cinnamon rolls…and eat them…and not gain weight
25. I want people to stop commenting on everything I do and say. Give me a break!
26. I want to stop being so judgemental.
27. I want to be able to ride my bike a long distance..or at all! I need air in my tires. And I want a really sweet road bike.
28. I want to be a really loving friend
29. I want to enjoy my life, no regrets
30. And not be so bloody miserable so much of the time
31. I want to stop being so hard on myself
32. I want to develop the ability to be joyfully spontaneous
33. I want someone to teach me how to make my own clothing
34. I want to be able to have a plant and not kill it.
35. I want to learn to make my own almond milk and learn how to dehydrate foods.
36. I want someone to teach me how to garden year round, and by “teach” I mean “Practically put their hands on top of mine as we use the broadfork and walk down the rows together
37. I want to have a clue as to what to cook for myself each night.
38. I want someone to teach me to use my camera to its potential and how to edit my photos so they look like I halfway know what I’m doing.
39. I want to know how to make a great cup of tea
40. I want an expanded vocabulary with a guide to pronunciation (pronunciation can be tricky when you learn most new words from a written source)
41. I want to know several hymns by heart (all the verses)
42. I want someone to teach me how to knit useful and beautiful things
43. I want someone to be my forever personal trainer and running coach, who is knowledgeable in treating injuries or is just so good that I never have any!
44. I want to learn to speak conversational Chinese. I really, really do.
45. I want to feel comfortable dressing like my old self in vintage clothes and unique stuff. I’ve gotten in a jeans and hoodie rut
46. I want a cute little house that I OWN, that is already remodeled and the value will go up every year
47. I want to give people fabulous, unexpected gifts that are either very special or very practical but always very appreciated
48. I want bamboo floors and beautiful thick rugs throughout my home
49. I want a fenced in front porch with a hammock
50. I want a kitchen “nook” with a window seat
51. I want affordable, fast wireless Internet, in my home, without a contract
52. I want a wall of book shelves filled with tons of books on every subject I love and people cab come over and settle in a cozy chair and read in my “library”
53. I want attractive, comfortable living room furniture with enough room for people to sit and to mingle and no cat claw marks on the sides
54. I want someone to burn my journals when I die. There are some things that are just between me and God
55. I want to pare my belongings down to the essentials, leaving the daily bread up to the Lord. Of course, this would negate my desire to have someone give me a mega shopping spree at REI, where I can raid the place and get all the cool gear I want!
56. I want to be the kind of person that everybody knows they can talk to, confide in, discuss problems with, and always receive wise counsel or friendly conversation
57. I want to live with determination and focus
58. I want to be able to pick up and go at a moment’s notice with everything I need packed into one small bag
59. I want to spend more time in silence, listening
60. I want everything in my home to have a place
61. I want to generate no more than a shopping bag full of trash per month
62. I want to give away half of my income
63. I want to love my home
64. I want to be that old woman who is a grandma to everyone
65. I want my organs donated and my body cremated
66. I want any kids I might have to love God with their whole being and worship God with a psalmist heart
67. I want to critically read through all the literature I didn’t get to in high school
68. I want to write a blog, thoughtfully and impact tons of lives
69. I want to be able to sing in public and not be utterly humiliated
70. I want to be able to dance without being so self-conscious…the tango, salsa and belly dancing
71. I want to be content with what I have and have a genuine heart of gratitude
72. I want to see the Northern Lights
73. I want to live with Sara (aka Happy Foody) for a month to absorb her enthusiasm, eye for everything, motivation, skill, knowledge, and people skills
74. I want to go to a ranch in Montana and ride horses and be wild
75. I want to be able to write songs.
76. I want to use my Passport, even though my photo looks like I just recovered from the plague
77. I want to travel lots of places and meet lots of people (how’s that for generic?)
78. I want to be able to run a marathon in around 3 hours! How’s that for lofty!?
79. I want to do triathlons...and be able to keep doing them as I get older
80. I want to be beautiful, inside and out...content and comfortable in my own skin and not be so obsessed with my body and it's imperfections
81. I want to be able to praise the Lord despite my circumstances and feelings
82. I want to meet my brothers and sisters int he persecuted church and minister to them...boy, that's prideful...
83. I want to give myself away, without worrying if the gift of myself is worthy or not
84. I want to be an encouragement to those that are depressed and without hope
Monday, August 24, 2009
100 Things about me
I finally got around to doing (what seems to be) the obligatory 100 things for my blog. They are as random as I am, in absolutely no defined order. I found this to be fairly difficult; I consider myself a pretty random person but I really tried to list some of my most interesting information.
1. I am 33 years and 5(ish) months old as of today.
2. I hope I haven't experienced the “best years of my life”, YET!
3. I work in a hospital. Some days I like nursing, some days I don't...ALL days, I don't like St. Vincent's.
4. I never played sports in high school or college, too uncoordinated. So I run. Lots of uncoordinated people run, it looks funny, but it works for them!
5. I love sunrises, it's the most peaceful part of the day for me.
6. I will not write any more about my job because, as much as I hate to, I have to censor myself.
7. I worry sometimes about getting MRSA, it's everywhere. WASH YOUR HANDS.
8. I've lived several different places, but I'm still finding my way home.
9. Part of me never wants to leave Arkansas and the other part of me wants to run as far as I can away from this place. If I could live anywhere I would choose Colorado..at least right now.
10. As much as I talk about South Dakota being the COUNTRY, I have fond memories of that place and my grandma as long as I live.
11. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say they have your back but then all they do is talk behind it.
12. You don’t have to like me, just don’t pretend you do.
13. If I had it my way I would wear scrubs or jeans and a hoodie everyday. I say almost because every now and then it is fun to get super dressed up.
14. The only make up I need in my life is concealer, no-shine powder, eyeliner and lip-gloss.
15. I used to not leave the house without a scrunchie. I KNOW, soooo 90's. Even when I wear my hair down, it eventually gets put up somehow.
16. I hate (read: despise) drama, but somehow always manage to find my way in the middle of it.
17. I have heard that people think I am rude but I think the problem is that I am so real people can't handle it.
18. I only have a few close friends. This may say very little about me, but it says everything about them.
19. I don’t really like the dating process. All my life I have either been in serious relationships or single. Right now, I'm loving...LOVING being single.
20. I have had my heart broken by several guys but the worst heartbreaks in my life were from friends I thought I could count on, but couldn't.
21. My most serious relationships can be summed up by two words: MESSED UP.
22. I do like cheesy girl movies. But I like spy-thriller kick-ass movies more.
23. I attended all my school years at a public school and am jealous of the kids that get to wear uniforms.
24. With the exception of a few rare moments, I hated high school. Anyone who says High School is the best four years of your life is full of crap. I have had WAY better four year periods of time in my life.
25. I am obsessed with spy thrillers and government drama shows. If I could do my life over I would have gone into the FBI or been a spy with mad skills.
26. I am graduated with my B.S in Nursing...and that's just what it is sometimes...BS.
27. I use a ridiculous amount of commas; commas, commas, everywhere..
28. I often think about blogging, but usually go read other people's blogs instead. I just attribute that to my thoughts being so complex that I can't put them into words.
29. I would LOVE to work for a magazine; preferably Runner's World, Self, Radiant..and have a giant expense account and get to try new products for free and then give my opinions on them all day and get paid for it.
30. I went to college while living at the parental home. I hated the commute and living there even more...but it was SO fulfilling to get my first job and move out! One of my worst and best years.
31. I have thought of going back to school for a fleeting moment or two and realized it would be more to prove something to everyone else than because I wanted to.
32. I truly believe that you can't change someone else. That apparently doesn't stop my psyche from trying..even though I hate when people don't accept ME.
33. I am in no hurry to have children. I used to want to be a mom someday but now I'm not so sure.
34. I will never get married just to have children. But, if I never get married, I hope for spiritual offspring.
35. I have had my future children's names picked out and changed several times over the years. Now, it might be pointless.
36. I'm not sure if I do have kids, if I actually want to give birth. I think it would be neat to be pregnant and to have a child that was a unique genetic expression of me and my husband, but I have somewhat of a desire to adopt a Chinese baby.
37. I was never a "smoker". I have tried smoking, but it wouldn't really "stick". Thank God.
38. Same with drinking. I like an occasional glass of wine, but I'm def a lightweight.
39. I love not working, but if I didn't have to work sometimes, I would be bored.
40. Brand names do not impress me. Neither does the size of your house. Or the type of car you drive. I am impressed by everyday heroes and people who can run under an 8-minute mile.
41. When I was in high school/college I watched 90210 and Felicity. Still like Felicity, 90210...not so much.
42. TV networks were stupid for letting go of ALIAS and 24. I know,I know...the themes can only be done over so many times...but kick-ass can go on forever!
43. The only shows I consistently watch now are Top Chef, Drop Dead Diva, and Army Wives. Project Runway just started again and I watch that weekly with friends..more for the friends.
44. I am sick of "reality" TV. The quality of "real" life pales in comparison to fake life.
45. I am not the biggest fan of Broadway shows or musicals. I have seen Les Miserables and CATS...but that is the extent of my repertoire.
46. The only sport I watch is triathlons. LOVE it!
47. I like going to local sports events more to people watch and for the experience, than to actually watch the game.
48. I REALLY want to go to Kona, Hawaii someday and watch the Ironman triathlon.
49. My parents are not really my friends, although I have started seeing them more as people. I know that's lame, but true.
50. I hope to get to know them more, I want to be able to tell my children (if I have any)..stories about their grandparents.
51. For someone who is not very emotional, when it comes to my parents, I actually cried from missing them when I lived in China.
52. I am not allergic to any foods. My food tastes, however, have done some weird changing lately. I used to hate lemon stuff...now it's all I want lately!
53. I really want to be more conscious of purposeful thanksgiving. It is the most beautiful of qualities.
54. I am planning to volunteer at this year's Soaring Wings Half Marathon, since I can't run it. Last year it was my first half-marathon and a wonderful experience.
55. I have really wanted to try helping to build a house for Habitat for Humanity.
56. I have only been to the movies a handful of times in the last three years. Everything about going to the movies, from the price…to the noise, makes me want to scream the entire time.
57. I think NetFlix is genius.
58. I feel completely out of touch with the next generation. I often call teenagers, "teeny boppers" and wonder how the kids in junior high seem so small.
59. I don’t drink often but I love a good glass of sweeter than sweet dessert wine. If I am at the beach, I will order a fruity drink or a 'Sex on the Beach'. I do not like beer. At all.
60. Growing up I had a dog named Patches, but I don't remember him very well. My mom had a cat named Putsy...and I blamed her for pushing me down the basement stairs when I was little.
61. I have 2 cats, Shelby and Abigail. They each have very distinct personalities. Almost all of my pets have had human names.
62. I lived the first 18 years of my life without a cell phone or a computer, and now, I feel like a slave to both of them.
63. I am still amazed by the digital camera. The whole take a picture and see it right away thing blows my mind.
64. I can't remember the last time I truly relaxed...the settle-down inside yourself...kind of relaxed. My relationship or lack of a vibrant one, with God, definitely makes the difference there.
65. I have what I like to call “cleaning ADD”; I’ll start in one room but then have to put something away in another room and then clean in there until I have to put something in another room…you get the idea. In the end, nothing is clean.
66. I ran in college, but it was more of the obsessive-exercising kind of running. I can't really remember if I enjoyed it. Now..I love it.
67. I would rather buy clothes for working out, running and (hopefully someday) tri’s then for every day life or work.
68. I am feeling the desire to downsize and live with less stuff, but getting rid of things is harder than it seems. Still examining why that is.
69. I consider myself more introverted because I actually have a lot of social anxiety and would prefer to be alone or in small groups, but as I become comfortable with my identity in Christ, I actually see glimpses of a more extroverted person.
70. Except for the fact that I just told you, you would never know I had social anxiety. I hide it exceptionally well, when you actually see me, that is...haha!
71. My short lapses of living in Florida have been some of the hardest, but best times in my life.
72. Most of my regrets have to do with not truly being myself.
73. I am terrified of heights and will never sky dive or bungee jump.
74. I am soooo blind and wear contacts. I only wear my glasses when I absolutely have to. The spatial thing makes me feel all funny.
75. I don't put up with a lot of crap anymore. In some sense, this might be good. In other ways, I need to be more gracious to people.
76. One of my good friends, Thomas, died several years ago. The night before he died, he invited me to do something with him and I passed because I didn't "feel like it"...I never got to see him again. I wonder sometimes how many opportunities I miss because I don't "feel like" doing something.
77. I never understood why you needed a license to fish, but not to have children.
78. I like pretty much all music. I listen to a little of everything.
79. I really love cooking if it's my idea. Put pressure on me to make something and forget it! It causes me a lot of anxiety to plan a meal for someone.
80. One of the best things my parents taught me was about saving money and working hard.
81. I escaped childhood without too much injury. Maybe because I was a "play it safe kid". I did, however, break my collarbone falling off a chair, cause I had to put my boots on "MYSELF"...seems like I'm still screwing up in life, cause I have to do things "MYSELF"..
82. I have very little artistic ability but I love to paint. I also love to color. I find both to be very cathartic.
83. I have a naturally loud voice. People always think I am yelling. Until they hear me actually yell.
84. I was almost hit by a car today by an old lady...I thought...surely she is looking...yep, she was...and kept coming!
85. I spend too much time in life trying to get the approval of people that I don't even like. How's that for screwed up!
86. I don’t understand why anyone would want to live until 100. I would never want to outlive everyone I love...Hence, my hatred of the movie Tuck Everlasting.
87. I wouldn't write my own obituary. I don't have good perspective on myself and don't know If I ever will.
88. I am trying to eat more healthy cereals for breakfast...but I love and can't resist Golden Grahams, Fruity Pebbles, Waffle Crisp and Lucky Charms.
89. I only drink milk in cereal. And it has to be skim. Okay...sometimes I drink soy milk as a "steamer" in the winter.
90. I used to only like milk chocolate. Now, I love dark chocolate and the more dark and bitter the better!
91. I LOVE chocolate milk, but hardly ever drink it. The fact that it is a good "post-run" recovery drink gives me good excuse.
92. I read the newspaper sporadically, and mostly watch the news only until the weather report is given. I know that needs to change because I need to be aware of what is happening in the world, but the media is so biased.
93. Most of the time I would prefer to cut myself off from the world and stay in bed, however my Type-A do-it-all personality wont allow for it.
94. I do not like to fly...the smell in airports makes me nauseated from the moment I set foot inside...all that stale air, ugh...Airports, however, are the BEST people watching places!
95. The first time I flew (that I actually remember) was when I was 5 or 6 (?)...from Japan to the US...my parents split up and we were flying away from my dad.
96. One of my best memories with my dad is when he taught me to ride a bike in the parking lot of the movie theater. It was a purple Barbie bike and I loved it. When I get on a bike now, it terrifies me. Some people say you never forget how to ride a bike...but I swear I have.
97. I want to go to the Northeast...and take a tour of the whole area...Boston, Maine, Rhode Island...
98. I'm glad to have met my running friends...they have really been supportive and inspiring..
99. I was the only baby in my family to be born in the afternoon. Not that I had any control over that...but I like that about myself.
100. I want my life to mean something.
1. I am 33 years and 5(ish) months old as of today.
2. I hope I haven't experienced the “best years of my life”, YET!
3. I work in a hospital. Some days I like nursing, some days I don't...ALL days, I don't like St. Vincent's.
4. I never played sports in high school or college, too uncoordinated. So I run. Lots of uncoordinated people run, it looks funny, but it works for them!
5. I love sunrises, it's the most peaceful part of the day for me.
6. I will not write any more about my job because, as much as I hate to, I have to censor myself.
7. I worry sometimes about getting MRSA, it's everywhere. WASH YOUR HANDS.
8. I've lived several different places, but I'm still finding my way home.
9. Part of me never wants to leave Arkansas and the other part of me wants to run as far as I can away from this place. If I could live anywhere I would choose Colorado..at least right now.
10. As much as I talk about South Dakota being the COUNTRY, I have fond memories of that place and my grandma as long as I live.
11. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say they have your back but then all they do is talk behind it.
12. You don’t have to like me, just don’t pretend you do.
13. If I had it my way I would wear scrubs or jeans and a hoodie everyday. I say almost because every now and then it is fun to get super dressed up.
14. The only make up I need in my life is concealer, no-shine powder, eyeliner and lip-gloss.
15. I used to not leave the house without a scrunchie. I KNOW, soooo 90's. Even when I wear my hair down, it eventually gets put up somehow.
16. I hate (read: despise) drama, but somehow always manage to find my way in the middle of it.
17. I have heard that people think I am rude but I think the problem is that I am so real people can't handle it.
18. I only have a few close friends. This may say very little about me, but it says everything about them.
19. I don’t really like the dating process. All my life I have either been in serious relationships or single. Right now, I'm loving...LOVING being single.
20. I have had my heart broken by several guys but the worst heartbreaks in my life were from friends I thought I could count on, but couldn't.
21. My most serious relationships can be summed up by two words: MESSED UP.
22. I do like cheesy girl movies. But I like spy-thriller kick-ass movies more.
23. I attended all my school years at a public school and am jealous of the kids that get to wear uniforms.
24. With the exception of a few rare moments, I hated high school. Anyone who says High School is the best four years of your life is full of crap. I have had WAY better four year periods of time in my life.
25. I am obsessed with spy thrillers and government drama shows. If I could do my life over I would have gone into the FBI or been a spy with mad skills.
26. I am graduated with my B.S in Nursing...and that's just what it is sometimes...BS.
27. I use a ridiculous amount of commas; commas, commas, everywhere..
28. I often think about blogging, but usually go read other people's blogs instead. I just attribute that to my thoughts being so complex that I can't put them into words.
29. I would LOVE to work for a magazine; preferably Runner's World, Self, Radiant..and have a giant expense account and get to try new products for free and then give my opinions on them all day and get paid for it.
30. I went to college while living at the parental home. I hated the commute and living there even more...but it was SO fulfilling to get my first job and move out! One of my worst and best years.
31. I have thought of going back to school for a fleeting moment or two and realized it would be more to prove something to everyone else than because I wanted to.
32. I truly believe that you can't change someone else. That apparently doesn't stop my psyche from trying..even though I hate when people don't accept ME.
33. I am in no hurry to have children. I used to want to be a mom someday but now I'm not so sure.
34. I will never get married just to have children. But, if I never get married, I hope for spiritual offspring.
35. I have had my future children's names picked out and changed several times over the years. Now, it might be pointless.
36. I'm not sure if I do have kids, if I actually want to give birth. I think it would be neat to be pregnant and to have a child that was a unique genetic expression of me and my husband, but I have somewhat of a desire to adopt a Chinese baby.
37. I was never a "smoker". I have tried smoking, but it wouldn't really "stick". Thank God.
38. Same with drinking. I like an occasional glass of wine, but I'm def a lightweight.
39. I love not working, but if I didn't have to work sometimes, I would be bored.
40. Brand names do not impress me. Neither does the size of your house. Or the type of car you drive. I am impressed by everyday heroes and people who can run under an 8-minute mile.
41. When I was in high school/college I watched 90210 and Felicity. Still like Felicity, 90210...not so much.
42. TV networks were stupid for letting go of ALIAS and 24. I know,I know...the themes can only be done over so many times...but kick-ass can go on forever!
43. The only shows I consistently watch now are Top Chef, Drop Dead Diva, and Army Wives. Project Runway just started again and I watch that weekly with friends..more for the friends.
44. I am sick of "reality" TV. The quality of "real" life pales in comparison to fake life.
45. I am not the biggest fan of Broadway shows or musicals. I have seen Les Miserables and CATS...but that is the extent of my repertoire.
46. The only sport I watch is triathlons. LOVE it!
47. I like going to local sports events more to people watch and for the experience, than to actually watch the game.
48. I REALLY want to go to Kona, Hawaii someday and watch the Ironman triathlon.
49. My parents are not really my friends, although I have started seeing them more as people. I know that's lame, but true.
50. I hope to get to know them more, I want to be able to tell my children (if I have any)..stories about their grandparents.
51. For someone who is not very emotional, when it comes to my parents, I actually cried from missing them when I lived in China.
52. I am not allergic to any foods. My food tastes, however, have done some weird changing lately. I used to hate lemon stuff...now it's all I want lately!
53. I really want to be more conscious of purposeful thanksgiving. It is the most beautiful of qualities.
54. I am planning to volunteer at this year's Soaring Wings Half Marathon, since I can't run it. Last year it was my first half-marathon and a wonderful experience.
55. I have really wanted to try helping to build a house for Habitat for Humanity.
56. I have only been to the movies a handful of times in the last three years. Everything about going to the movies, from the price…to the noise, makes me want to scream the entire time.
57. I think NetFlix is genius.
58. I feel completely out of touch with the next generation. I often call teenagers, "teeny boppers" and wonder how the kids in junior high seem so small.
59. I don’t drink often but I love a good glass of sweeter than sweet dessert wine. If I am at the beach, I will order a fruity drink or a 'Sex on the Beach'. I do not like beer. At all.
60. Growing up I had a dog named Patches, but I don't remember him very well. My mom had a cat named Putsy...and I blamed her for pushing me down the basement stairs when I was little.
61. I have 2 cats, Shelby and Abigail. They each have very distinct personalities. Almost all of my pets have had human names.
62. I lived the first 18 years of my life without a cell phone or a computer, and now, I feel like a slave to both of them.
63. I am still amazed by the digital camera. The whole take a picture and see it right away thing blows my mind.
64. I can't remember the last time I truly relaxed...the settle-down inside yourself...kind of relaxed. My relationship or lack of a vibrant one, with God, definitely makes the difference there.
65. I have what I like to call “cleaning ADD”; I’ll start in one room but then have to put something away in another room and then clean in there until I have to put something in another room…you get the idea. In the end, nothing is clean.
66. I ran in college, but it was more of the obsessive-exercising kind of running. I can't really remember if I enjoyed it. Now..I love it.
67. I would rather buy clothes for working out, running and (hopefully someday) tri’s then for every day life or work.
68. I am feeling the desire to downsize and live with less stuff, but getting rid of things is harder than it seems. Still examining why that is.
69. I consider myself more introverted because I actually have a lot of social anxiety and would prefer to be alone or in small groups, but as I become comfortable with my identity in Christ, I actually see glimpses of a more extroverted person.
70. Except for the fact that I just told you, you would never know I had social anxiety. I hide it exceptionally well, when you actually see me, that is...haha!
71. My short lapses of living in Florida have been some of the hardest, but best times in my life.
72. Most of my regrets have to do with not truly being myself.
73. I am terrified of heights and will never sky dive or bungee jump.
74. I am soooo blind and wear contacts. I only wear my glasses when I absolutely have to. The spatial thing makes me feel all funny.
75. I don't put up with a lot of crap anymore. In some sense, this might be good. In other ways, I need to be more gracious to people.
76. One of my good friends, Thomas, died several years ago. The night before he died, he invited me to do something with him and I passed because I didn't "feel like it"...I never got to see him again. I wonder sometimes how many opportunities I miss because I don't "feel like" doing something.
77. I never understood why you needed a license to fish, but not to have children.
78. I like pretty much all music. I listen to a little of everything.
79. I really love cooking if it's my idea. Put pressure on me to make something and forget it! It causes me a lot of anxiety to plan a meal for someone.
80. One of the best things my parents taught me was about saving money and working hard.
81. I escaped childhood without too much injury. Maybe because I was a "play it safe kid". I did, however, break my collarbone falling off a chair, cause I had to put my boots on "MYSELF"...seems like I'm still screwing up in life, cause I have to do things "MYSELF"..
82. I have very little artistic ability but I love to paint. I also love to color. I find both to be very cathartic.
83. I have a naturally loud voice. People always think I am yelling. Until they hear me actually yell.
84. I was almost hit by a car today by an old lady...I thought...surely she is looking...yep, she was...and kept coming!
85. I spend too much time in life trying to get the approval of people that I don't even like. How's that for screwed up!
86. I don’t understand why anyone would want to live until 100. I would never want to outlive everyone I love...Hence, my hatred of the movie Tuck Everlasting.
87. I wouldn't write my own obituary. I don't have good perspective on myself and don't know If I ever will.
88. I am trying to eat more healthy cereals for breakfast...but I love and can't resist Golden Grahams, Fruity Pebbles, Waffle Crisp and Lucky Charms.
89. I only drink milk in cereal. And it has to be skim. Okay...sometimes I drink soy milk as a "steamer" in the winter.
90. I used to only like milk chocolate. Now, I love dark chocolate and the more dark and bitter the better!
91. I LOVE chocolate milk, but hardly ever drink it. The fact that it is a good "post-run" recovery drink gives me good excuse.
92. I read the newspaper sporadically, and mostly watch the news only until the weather report is given. I know that needs to change because I need to be aware of what is happening in the world, but the media is so biased.
93. Most of the time I would prefer to cut myself off from the world and stay in bed, however my Type-A do-it-all personality wont allow for it.
94. I do not like to fly...the smell in airports makes me nauseated from the moment I set foot inside...all that stale air, ugh...Airports, however, are the BEST people watching places!
95. The first time I flew (that I actually remember) was when I was 5 or 6 (?)...from Japan to the US...my parents split up and we were flying away from my dad.
96. One of my best memories with my dad is when he taught me to ride a bike in the parking lot of the movie theater. It was a purple Barbie bike and I loved it. When I get on a bike now, it terrifies me. Some people say you never forget how to ride a bike...but I swear I have.
97. I want to go to the Northeast...and take a tour of the whole area...Boston, Maine, Rhode Island...
98. I'm glad to have met my running friends...they have really been supportive and inspiring..
99. I was the only baby in my family to be born in the afternoon. Not that I had any control over that...but I like that about myself.
100. I want my life to mean something.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Passive-Agressive BS= BAD... A little honesty=GOOD
Is anyone out there just tired of passive-aggressive BULLSHIT? Sorry for the blatant and probably "improper" description of my inability to deal with this crap any longer, but...For one day, I wish that everyone HAD to say what they really mean. Not that we would all have to say exactly what is in our heads, but...when we are asked a question, we answer honestly. When someone hurts or wrongs us, we tell them. And when we hurt or wrong others, they have the guts to tell us, instead of ignoring, the "silent treatment" (my personal favorite), the snide remarks, the talking about IT and YOU behind your back, or all the myriad of ways that people try to "get back" at you by manipulating....
It's probably obvious that an incident, or maybe just a LONG series of incidents, has sparked this sentiment. True...you got me..I am supposed to know that, as a Christian, I am only responsible for the way I respond, because I can't change others. Well, I'm having a hard time being a "good Christian" about a certain situation in my life right now. I have tried to tell a particular person that if they have an issue with me, to let me know...instead of all of the above behaviors and THEN SOME...but it continues...It's really sad that I am actually to the point of wanting to end the relationship completely, just mainly, I admit, out of self-protection. Today I could have walked away and never looked back...In this case, that would be difficult since this person is in the fam. I had a similar incident with a friend lately, who apparently had been angry and or hurt by something they felt I was doing and instead of saying anything, he just blew up at me out of nowhere and told me he was done making any effort in our friendship anymore. I admit, I can be clueless sometimes, but this person "prides" himself on "being honest" and regularly gripes about people, in general, not saying what they really mean!
I don't know if I made the right call by letting that end things between us or not. At the time, I was so shocked and a bit pissed at someone trying to manipulate me, that I let it go...let him go. I just don't need that in my life. It's sad that a friendship ended over it, especially one that had lasted almost 9 years, but I couldn't see having to prove myself to this person over and over again. As far as the family member with which I have the ongoing issue, it's not just between us. He drags others into the situation and it is causing strain on those relationships. I wish I didn't care about it, but it takes a toll on me. My relationship with this person, in turn, I believe, has colored the way I see God. Things haven't been that great in my spiritual life for quite some time and, in a way, I have started to see God as the Master Manipulator...using my circumstances and hurts to ultimately, get me to do what He wants. It made me wonder if I will ever or was I ever (?) loved, aside from my behavior...It makes me not want to be vulnerable to anyone, because I fear the same rejection, if I don't please that person. I hate that I think that. I hate that I let humans dictate how I feel about God, considering the relationship we have had in the past and that He is just NOT human! I miss Him, but I have kept Him at arm's length, because I know I have failed so much lately.
Maybe I'm just a big hypocrite...in fact, it's highly bloody likely. I'm just tired of living life based on what other people want and yet, am torn because of the maturity I am supposed to have in being able to forgive and live as if life does not just revolve around me. I'm tired of having regrets too..so...anyway...there it is...This time, even if it is just on paper, I'm saying what I mean, and hoping that it becomes a habit. Not in a "steamroller" kind of way that uses the truth to bludgeon people and as an excuse to say everything on my mind under the guise of "just being honest" (which is bullshit, too)...but maybe a little honesty will get me somewhere too.
It's probably obvious that an incident, or maybe just a LONG series of incidents, has sparked this sentiment. True...you got me..I am supposed to know that, as a Christian, I am only responsible for the way I respond, because I can't change others. Well, I'm having a hard time being a "good Christian" about a certain situation in my life right now. I have tried to tell a particular person that if they have an issue with me, to let me know...instead of all of the above behaviors and THEN SOME...but it continues...It's really sad that I am actually to the point of wanting to end the relationship completely, just mainly, I admit, out of self-protection. Today I could have walked away and never looked back...In this case, that would be difficult since this person is in the fam. I had a similar incident with a friend lately, who apparently had been angry and or hurt by something they felt I was doing and instead of saying anything, he just blew up at me out of nowhere and told me he was done making any effort in our friendship anymore. I admit, I can be clueless sometimes, but this person "prides" himself on "being honest" and regularly gripes about people, in general, not saying what they really mean!
I don't know if I made the right call by letting that end things between us or not. At the time, I was so shocked and a bit pissed at someone trying to manipulate me, that I let it go...let him go. I just don't need that in my life. It's sad that a friendship ended over it, especially one that had lasted almost 9 years, but I couldn't see having to prove myself to this person over and over again. As far as the family member with which I have the ongoing issue, it's not just between us. He drags others into the situation and it is causing strain on those relationships. I wish I didn't care about it, but it takes a toll on me. My relationship with this person, in turn, I believe, has colored the way I see God. Things haven't been that great in my spiritual life for quite some time and, in a way, I have started to see God as the Master Manipulator...using my circumstances and hurts to ultimately, get me to do what He wants. It made me wonder if I will ever or was I ever (?) loved, aside from my behavior...It makes me not want to be vulnerable to anyone, because I fear the same rejection, if I don't please that person. I hate that I think that. I hate that I let humans dictate how I feel about God, considering the relationship we have had in the past and that He is just NOT human! I miss Him, but I have kept Him at arm's length, because I know I have failed so much lately.
Maybe I'm just a big hypocrite...in fact, it's highly bloody likely. I'm just tired of living life based on what other people want and yet, am torn because of the maturity I am supposed to have in being able to forgive and live as if life does not just revolve around me. I'm tired of having regrets too..so...anyway...there it is...This time, even if it is just on paper, I'm saying what I mean, and hoping that it becomes a habit. Not in a "steamroller" kind of way that uses the truth to bludgeon people and as an excuse to say everything on my mind under the guise of "just being honest" (which is bullshit, too)...but maybe a little honesty will get me somewhere too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)