I had forgotten all about my MySpace account until today, I don't think I've checked in in about a year. I came across an old blog entry and was surprised (although I shouldn't have been) at how relevant it was to my life right now...So, I thought it was worthy of a repost...
So....I haven't posted a blog in a while....I've been doing a lot of thinking since I've been home and have had plenty of time on my hands... Things have settled back into the mundane of life and ,in some respects, it's good to just not have an agenda. In other respects...I am restless. You know how some people you know are always waiting for the next thing to come along? The next experience...the next event...the next activity? God hasn't been too forthcoming with the details of my future lately and I admit that I haven't been the most patient person waiting...I am a planner, and it has been hard to wait on direction! I want to be told what I need to do next, so I can go get it done.Not exactly how God operates. He isn't about to help me be independent of Him! It has caused me to examine pretty closely how I define myself. How do I see myself when I don't seem productive? What about when I can't handle things in my own strength or do things on my own? What can I tell people that I am learning about God and my relationship WITH Him apart from what I am doing FOR Him? Those that know me well can attest to this: I am a recovering legalist that defines myself by what I do, what I accomplish, what results I achieve...This flies in the face of all that God has been teaching me for quite a while, and sometimes I am surprised how easily these things come.... I shouldn't be. I may struggle with remembering this the rest of my life. I will say that my eyes have been opened to more pride in my life than want to see, much less deal with...and that is always hard. My dad told me the other day, in one of his more vulnerable moments, that he was sorry that he hadn't "been there" for me as I was growing older. I was surprised...to say the least...to hear this from him, and yet somehow it helped me to know that he realized that. But then he said something I don't think I'll ever forget..."You seemed to have it all together. I just didn't think you needed me..." Ouch! But the issue of independence had come out again. I felt that I had to handle things on my own, because I couldn't trust anyone to take care of me. I had to portray this picture of strength and self-sufficiency, so that no one would see my weakness, uncertainty, vulnerability....because to me, failing was the ultimate humiliation. And besides, when people know you are weak they will use it against you...right? These days, I am finally seeing that for the self-destructive thing that it is, not only in my relationship with God, but with others.No one wants to listen to someone that has all the answers, who never falters, who never needs grace...and who never gives it. It's not easy for me to be vulnerable, even with God. Yet, with Him, I can place all my need in His hands and it never overwhelms Him. I pray that the more I know Him, the more dependent I become. It's humbling to be dependent, but, then again .....God says He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble...and, man, do I need it!
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