The words I need, the words I pray......

I naturally tend to lean toward having a "melancholy" personality. And while at times, this can be beneficial in the area of creativity, it can lead to precision introspection. A little self awareness can be good, realizing why you think and do the things you do. But, at some point, SELF awareness is a little TOO self and a little LESS aware. Self-focused, self-conscious, self, self, self......Less aware of God, other people and their feelings, and anyone else's problems, concerns, and struggles in general. And shouldn't someone so self aware have all the answers and...... therefore, be able to overcome said issues and react to other people in the most loving and caring way???

Well, with all this analyzing going on....there's so much inside.... that NOTHING makes sense. And this is obviously frustrating for me, Miss Fix-it. I think God is teaching me, in not-so-subtle ways that.....that kind of fleshly coping isn't going to work anymore. And it hurts, sucks, etc....ad infinum. My prayers haven't been much of ANYTHING lately..almost non-existent.....more of a leaning on Jesus, who says that He is always interceding for me. Because for someone who always has an answer.....I have nothing to say..... And sadly...I still don't trust Him most days, to be praying for what I think I need. How prideful!

So, I turn to the words of the illustrious poet...aka songwriter Garrison Starr....


What makes you think...you gotta hold the world on your shoulders
and handle that load...
And who gave you...the fine-toothed comb to judge your every move
before you've even started to make one...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?...
You're dying....

Subtle was the way the clouds rolled in on you....to fog up your windows
and darken your view...
An unforgiving face who dared you to escape, living for the chance
to scare you back in place...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open you eyes?...
You're dying....

It's no way.....to live so safe...
All wrapped up in my fears til I just suffocate
I will get through
if it's the last thing I do........

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day....for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?..
You're dying...


It IS a beautiful day for flying.....I'm scared as hell, but I DO want to open my eyes...and not just to myself...to God, to others....
I hope that's what Jesus is praying for me....Wait....maybe those are all the words I need?....

Conversations

I was talking with a good friend today..you know, those talks where you're just catching up, yammering on about the mundane details of life, what you've been up to, just how dysfunctional your family is, what movies you've seen lately....and somehow the conversation took a turn I didn't see coming....

I haven't really had much in common with this particular friend for a while now, and our talks seemed more like pleasantries, something you keep going because, for Pete's sake, at one time you were SO close...She's married, I am SO NOT.....she's just had a child, I'm nowhere near and terrified of Motherhood in general....she's so self assured, confident, creative.....and me, well, I just don't know who I am anymore....

And as we talked, it was like a window opened...and i could breathe again...I started to be honest again, more than I have in a long time....I allowed myself to be seen by my friend, whom I thought had disappeared forever...and one little ray of hope began to illuminate the dark closet I've been hiding in longer than I care to admit...

Without all the specifics, as you can see I am more than a little guarded.....God gave me a gift today in the love of my friend....and maybe it's just enough to point me back.....to me....the REAL ME. I hope so......Man, I love the sound of that......HOPE.

A "Magical" weekend

Just spent the weekend with the fam....more time than I typically allow myself in a two consecutive day period (spending the day at Magic Springs on Saturday and all day Sunday moving my sister into her new pad) and it never fails to show me a few things about myself and the people whom I am supposed to know the best....

1. I have an immeasurable amount of IMPATIENCE when it comes to my sister and the many times that she changes her mind in any given 3 minute period.....especially when it comes to deciding which of her HEAVY belongings she wants moved and the short amount of notice involved when it comes to her showing up and demanding said objects......She has always been this way and yet I still expect that to change....But hey....at least THIS residence has not been deemed "condemned" by the city....

2. I am a very big chicken when it comes to doing things that are scary...aka "the Plummet Summit" at Magic Springs, of which every kid over 36 inches tall in the 500 feet vicinity was happily getting in line for, while I cowered in fear....(at one point, as i was screaming, no sound was coming out anymore). I did, however, break out and take a risk by floating in the "Lazy River" fully dressed....wooohoo.

3. I totally forget to eat, several meals at a time, while I am trying to get a big project done and wonder why I feel like crap (does that mean I'm Bipolar?)

4. My Dad sweats more than I thought was humanly possible and it is ALWAYS a good idea to have a towel around....

5. My brother has a surprising capacity to remain quiet when his sisters, Mom and girlfriend are all spazzing out around him....

6. Despite how much sunscreen I put on my face, I always get burned..speaking of....after my head got sunburned at the Buffalo, it started peeling and looked like major dandruff......


oh those family moments....and yet, somehow...I think I'll probably look back on those photos of us on the "log ride" and smile... (especially the one where I tried to not scream in my sister's ear, so I turned sideways and it looks as if my teeth are about to come out of my head)....yep, good times.

Godbye Harrison

Well, I am finally home from the metropolis of Harrison....home of the weird and otherwise inbred community that I have spent the last 2 months commuting back and forth to...I must say that it was hard to say goodbye, but I will remember fondly.....

*Irene......oh Irene.....the Super 8 lady who, almost every week without fail, had to save some belongings I had left behind (my pillow, my robe, my cell phone), turn off the coffee pot I had left on in my room when I went to work, find my pillow case in the hotel laundry, fix the computer....I could go on...

*The coffee shop, of which I do think was named "The Strange Brew" (it definately was), where I ws privileged enough to witness "tango night" on a portable wood floor, with guys my age( short ones) dancing with "cougar"like women wearing low cut dresses (of which the guys had their faces in, because they only were as tall as each woman's bust)....apparently there is a shortage of women in that town....

*the Mennonite bakery who saw me on a fairly routine basis, buying "monster" cookies.....

*And all the interesting patients I took care of, nurses I worked with, and doctors that picked on me.....

I sadly say.....it's with a heavy heart that I sign up for shifts at St Vincent's this week....hopefully Colorado is on my agenda soon.........

Weekend at the Buffalo

Finally.....my first experience at "The Buffalo" with the Vineyard gang.... You have to realize that this event is notorious for non-stop fun and adventure! I have heard about it since I started going to Vineyard about 2 years ago. And what the heck?? Two years?? Ask anyone there and they would NOT be able to attest that I have, in fact, been there that long...we'll get to that later....

Last year I remember thinking about going, but quickly dismissed it from my mind. I had a bad experience canoeing in my past, so of course I was a bit nervous about the whole idea in general. Even more so, I was scared of being in an environment where I would spend a large amount of time hanging around with people I didn't know, doing something I hadn't done in decades....Later, I remember thinking that I missed out when I heard everyone talking about it. I've noticed lately that I've missed out on alot of things because of my fears.

I can't say that it was the best experience of my life, but it was pretty fun, and I'm glad I went. I wanted to be able to spend some time with Leah, Kyle, and Amber....some people that I wish I had gotten to know sooner. There were lots of laughs, squeals, inappropriatenesses (that's for Leah), sunburns, smores, tears, pancakes, jokes, rumors, and NICKNAMES....

But it was messy for me too. Most people there still don't quite know how to "take" me...I admit that my emotions have been high strung for some time, dealing with (or not) issues in my life and I tend to be defensive, sarcastic, brash, complaining, and avoid vulnerability. I want to be known for who I am instead of being known for all the defense tactics I use to hide. It's sad that most of my time at Vineyard I have been invisible and not let myself know others, for fear of my own exposure. Maybe this trip was a step in the right direction.....