100 Things about me

I finally got around to doing (what seems to be) the obligatory 100 things for my blog. They are as random as I am, in absolutely no defined order. I found this to be fairly difficult; I consider myself a pretty random person but I really tried to list some of my most interesting information.

1. I am 33 years and 5(ish) months old as of today.
2. I hope I haven't experienced the “best years of my life”, YET!
3. I work in a hospital. Some days I like nursing, some days I don't...ALL days, I don't like St. Vincent's.
4. I never played sports in high school or college, too uncoordinated. So I run. Lots of uncoordinated people run, it looks funny, but it works for them!
5. I love sunrises, it's the most peaceful part of the day for me.
6. I will not write any more about my job because, as much as I hate to, I have to censor myself.
7. I worry sometimes about getting MRSA, it's everywhere. WASH YOUR HANDS.
8. I've lived several different places, but I'm still finding my way home.
9. Part of me never wants to leave Arkansas and the other part of me wants to run as far as I can away from this place. If I could live anywhere I would choose Colorado..at least right now.
10. As much as I talk about South Dakota being the COUNTRY, I have fond memories of that place and my grandma as long as I live.
11. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say they have your back but then all they do is talk behind it.
12. You don’t have to like me, just don’t pretend you do.
13. If I had it my way I would wear scrubs or jeans and a hoodie everyday. I say almost because every now and then it is fun to get super dressed up.
14. The only make up I need in my life is concealer, no-shine powder, eyeliner and lip-gloss.
15. I used to not leave the house without a scrunchie. I KNOW, soooo 90's. Even when I wear my hair down, it eventually gets put up somehow.
16. I hate (read: despise) drama, but somehow always manage to find my way in the middle of it.
17. I have heard that people think I am rude but I think the problem is that I am so real people can't handle it.
18. I only have a few close friends. This may say very little about me, but it says everything about them.
19. I don’t really like the dating process. All my life I have either been in serious relationships or single. Right now, I'm loving...LOVING being single.
20. I have had my heart broken by several guys but the worst heartbreaks in my life were from friends I thought I could count on, but couldn't.
21. My most serious relationships can be summed up by two words: MESSED UP.
22. I do like cheesy girl movies. But I like spy-thriller kick-ass movies more.
23. I attended all my school years at a public school and am jealous of the kids that get to wear uniforms.
24. With the exception of a few rare moments, I hated high school. Anyone who says High School is the best four years of your life is full of crap. I have had WAY better four year periods of time in my life.
25. I am obsessed with spy thrillers and government drama shows. If I could do my life over I would have gone into the FBI or been a spy with mad skills.
26. I am graduated with my B.S in Nursing...and that's just what it is sometimes...BS.
27. I use a ridiculous amount of commas; commas, commas, everywhere..
28. I often think about blogging, but usually go read other people's blogs instead. I just attribute that to my thoughts being so complex that I can't put them into words.
29. I would LOVE to work for a magazine; preferably Runner's World, Self, Radiant..and have a giant expense account and get to try new products for free and then give my opinions on them all day and get paid for it.
30. I went to college while living at the parental home. I hated the commute and living there even more...but it was SO fulfilling to get my first job and move out! One of my worst and best years.
31. I have thought of going back to school for a fleeting moment or two and realized it would be more to prove something to everyone else than because I wanted to.
32. I truly believe that you can't change someone else. That apparently doesn't stop my psyche from trying..even though I hate when people don't accept ME.
33. I am in no hurry to have children. I used to want to be a mom someday but now I'm not so sure.
34. I will never get married just to have children. But, if I never get married, I hope for spiritual offspring.
35. I have had my future children's names picked out and changed several times over the years. Now, it might be pointless.
36. I'm not sure if I do have kids, if I actually want to give birth. I think it would be neat to be pregnant and to have a child that was a unique genetic expression of me and my husband, but I have somewhat of a desire to adopt a Chinese baby.
37. I was never a "smoker". I have tried smoking, but it wouldn't really "stick". Thank God.
38. Same with drinking. I like an occasional glass of wine, but I'm def a lightweight.
39. I love not working, but if I didn't have to work sometimes, I would be bored.
40. Brand names do not impress me. Neither does the size of your house. Or the type of car you drive. I am impressed by everyday heroes and people who can run under an 8-minute mile.
41. When I was in high school/college I watched 90210 and Felicity. Still like Felicity, 90210...not so much.
42. TV networks were stupid for letting go of ALIAS and 24. I know,I know...the themes can only be done over so many times...but kick-ass can go on forever!
43. The only shows I consistently watch now are Top Chef, Drop Dead Diva, and Army Wives. Project Runway just started again and I watch that weekly with friends..more for the friends.
44. I am sick of "reality" TV. The quality of "real" life pales in comparison to fake life.
45. I am not the biggest fan of Broadway shows or musicals. I have seen Les Miserables and CATS...but that is the extent of my repertoire.
46. The only sport I watch is triathlons. LOVE it!
47. I like going to local sports events more to people watch and for the experience, than to actually watch the game.
48. I REALLY want to go to Kona, Hawaii someday and watch the Ironman triathlon.
49. My parents are not really my friends, although I have started seeing them more as people. I know that's lame, but true.
50. I hope to get to know them more, I want to be able to tell my children (if I have any)..stories about their grandparents.
51. For someone who is not very emotional, when it comes to my parents, I actually cried from missing them when I lived in China.
52. I am not allergic to any foods. My food tastes, however, have done some weird changing lately. I used to hate lemon stuff...now it's all I want lately!
53. I really want to be more conscious of purposeful thanksgiving. It is the most beautiful of qualities.
54. I am planning to volunteer at this year's Soaring Wings Half Marathon, since I can't run it. Last year it was my first half-marathon and a wonderful experience.
55. I have really wanted to try helping to build a house for Habitat for Humanity.
56. I have only been to the movies a handful of times in the last three years. Everything about going to the movies, from the price…to the noise, makes me want to scream the entire time.
57. I think NetFlix is genius.
58. I feel completely out of touch with the next generation. I often call teenagers, "teeny boppers" and wonder how the kids in junior high seem so small.
59. I don’t drink often but I love a good glass of sweeter than sweet dessert wine. If I am at the beach, I will order a fruity drink or a 'Sex on the Beach'. I do not like beer. At all.
60. Growing up I had a dog named Patches, but I don't remember him very well. My mom had a cat named Putsy...and I blamed her for pushing me down the basement stairs when I was little.
61. I have 2 cats, Shelby and Abigail. They each have very distinct personalities. Almost all of my pets have had human names.
62. I lived the first 18 years of my life without a cell phone or a computer, and now, I feel like a slave to both of them.
63. I am still amazed by the digital camera. The whole take a picture and see it right away thing blows my mind.
64. I can't remember the last time I truly relaxed...the settle-down inside yourself...kind of relaxed. My relationship or lack of a vibrant one, with God, definitely makes the difference there.
65. I have what I like to call “cleaning ADD”; I’ll start in one room but then have to put something away in another room and then clean in there until I have to put something in another room…you get the idea. In the end, nothing is clean.
66. I ran in college, but it was more of the obsessive-exercising kind of running. I can't really remember if I enjoyed it. Now..I love it.
67. I would rather buy clothes for working out, running and (hopefully someday) tri’s then for every day life or work.
68. I am feeling the desire to downsize and live with less stuff, but getting rid of things is harder than it seems. Still examining why that is.
69. I consider myself more introverted because I actually have a lot of social anxiety and would prefer to be alone or in small groups, but as I become comfortable with my identity in Christ, I actually see glimpses of a more extroverted person.
70. Except for the fact that I just told you, you would never know I had social anxiety. I hide it exceptionally well, when you actually see me, that is...haha!
71. My short lapses of living in Florida have been some of the hardest, but best times in my life.
72. Most of my regrets have to do with not truly being myself.
73. I am terrified of heights and will never sky dive or bungee jump.
74. I am soooo blind and wear contacts. I only wear my glasses when I absolutely have to. The spatial thing makes me feel all funny.
75. I don't put up with a lot of crap anymore. In some sense, this might be good. In other ways, I need to be more gracious to people.
76. One of my good friends, Thomas, died several years ago. The night before he died, he invited me to do something with him and I passed because I didn't "feel like it"...I never got to see him again. I wonder sometimes how many opportunities I miss because I don't "feel like" doing something.
77. I never understood why you needed a license to fish, but not to have children.
78. I like pretty much all music. I listen to a little of everything.
79. I really love cooking if it's my idea. Put pressure on me to make something and forget it! It causes me a lot of anxiety to plan a meal for someone.
80. One of the best things my parents taught me was about saving money and working hard.
81. I escaped childhood without too much injury. Maybe because I was a "play it safe kid". I did, however, break my collarbone falling off a chair, cause I had to put my boots on "MYSELF"...seems like I'm still screwing up in life, cause I have to do things "MYSELF"..
82. I have very little artistic ability but I love to paint. I also love to color. I find both to be very cathartic.
83. I have a naturally loud voice. People always think I am yelling. Until they hear me actually yell.
84. I was almost hit by a car today by an old lady...I thought...surely she is looking...yep, she was...and kept coming!
85. I spend too much time in life trying to get the approval of people that I don't even like. How's that for screwed up!
86. I don’t understand why anyone would want to live until 100. I would never want to outlive everyone I love...Hence, my hatred of the movie Tuck Everlasting.
87. I wouldn't write my own obituary. I don't have good perspective on myself and don't know If I ever will.
88. I am trying to eat more healthy cereals for breakfast...but I love and can't resist Golden Grahams, Fruity Pebbles, Waffle Crisp and Lucky Charms.
89. I only drink milk in cereal. And it has to be skim. Okay...sometimes I drink soy milk as a "steamer" in the winter.
90. I used to only like milk chocolate. Now, I love dark chocolate and the more dark and bitter the better!
91. I LOVE chocolate milk, but hardly ever drink it. The fact that it is a good "post-run" recovery drink gives me good excuse.
92. I read the newspaper sporadically, and mostly watch the news only until the weather report is given. I know that needs to change because I need to be aware of what is happening in the world, but the media is so biased.
93. Most of the time I would prefer to cut myself off from the world and stay in bed, however my Type-A do-it-all personality wont allow for it.
94. I do not like to fly...the smell in airports makes me nauseated from the moment I set foot inside...all that stale air, ugh...Airports, however, are the BEST people watching places!
95. The first time I flew (that I actually remember) was when I was 5 or 6 (?)...from Japan to the US...my parents split up and we were flying away from my dad.
96. One of my best memories with my dad is when he taught me to ride a bike in the parking lot of the movie theater. It was a purple Barbie bike and I loved it. When I get on a bike now, it terrifies me. Some people say you never forget how to ride a bike...but I swear I have.
97. I want to go to the Northeast...and take a tour of the whole area...Boston, Maine, Rhode Island...
98. I'm glad to have met my running friends...they have really been supportive and inspiring..
99. I was the only baby in my family to be born in the afternoon. Not that I had any control over that...but I like that about myself.
100. I want my life to mean something.

Passive-Agressive BS= BAD... A little honesty=GOOD

Is anyone out there just tired of passive-aggressive BULLSHIT? Sorry for the blatant and probably "improper" description of my inability to deal with this crap any longer, but...For one day, I wish that everyone HAD to say what they really mean. Not that we would all have to say exactly what is in our heads, but...when we are asked a question, we answer honestly. When someone hurts or wrongs us, we tell them. And when we hurt or wrong others, they have the guts to tell us, instead of ignoring, the "silent treatment" (my personal favorite), the snide remarks, the talking about IT and YOU behind your back, or all the myriad of ways that people try to "get back" at you by manipulating....


It's probably obvious that an incident, or maybe just a LONG series of incidents, has sparked this sentiment. True...you got me..I am supposed to know that, as a Christian, I am only responsible for the way I respond, because I can't change others. Well, I'm having a hard time being a "good Christian" about a certain situation in my life right now. I have tried to tell a particular person that if they have an issue with me, to let me know...instead of all of the above behaviors and THEN SOME...but it continues...It's really sad that I am actually to the point of wanting to end the relationship completely, just mainly, I admit, out of self-protection. Today I could have walked away and never looked back...In this case, that would be difficult since this person is in the fam. I had a similar incident with a friend lately, who apparently had been angry and or hurt by something they felt I was doing and instead of saying anything, he just blew up at me out of nowhere and told me he was done making any effort in our friendship anymore. I admit, I can be clueless sometimes, but this person "prides" himself on "being honest" and regularly gripes about people, in general, not saying what they really mean!

I don't know if I made the right call by letting that end things between us or not. At the time, I was so shocked and a bit pissed at someone trying to manipulate me, that I let it go...let him go. I just don't need that in my life. It's sad that a friendship ended over it, especially one that had lasted almost 9 years, but I couldn't see having to prove myself to this person over and over again. As far as the family member with which I have the ongoing issue, it's not just between us. He drags others into the situation and it is causing strain on those relationships. I wish I didn't care about it, but it takes a toll on me. My relationship with this person, in turn, I believe, has colored the way I see God. Things haven't been that great in my spiritual life for quite some time and, in a way, I have started to see God as the Master Manipulator...using my circumstances and hurts to ultimately, get me to do what He wants. It made me wonder if I will ever or was I ever (?) loved, aside from my behavior...It makes me not want to be vulnerable to anyone, because I fear the same rejection, if I don't please that person. I hate that I think that. I hate that I let humans dictate how I feel about God, considering the relationship we have had in the past and that He is just NOT human! I miss Him, but I have kept Him at arm's length, because I know I have failed so much lately.

Maybe I'm just a big hypocrite...in fact, it's highly bloody likely. I'm just tired of living life based on what other people want and yet, am torn because of the maturity I am supposed to have in being able to forgive and live as if life does not just revolve around me. I'm tired of having regrets too..so...anyway...there it is...This time, even if it is just on paper, I'm saying what I mean, and hoping that it becomes a habit. Not in a "steamroller" kind of way that uses the truth to bludgeon people and as an excuse to say everything on my mind under the guise of "just being honest" (which is bullshit, too)...but maybe a little honesty will get me somewhere too.

My very own good advice.........

I strolled into Starbuck's, as usual, last Wednsday after my workout. After ordering my Venti Hazelnut coffee, I grabbed the latest "Sync". It comes out every Wednesday and I love turning to the first page inside to see what the "Question of the Week" is in the "Meet the Staff" section. The answers to these questions are always very telling and I find myself thinking about what I might say in response...

Today's question was "If you could have dinner with the characters from any book, which one would you choose and why?"

Of course, there were the typical..."The Bible, it would be the experience of a lifetime..." or other such sentiments...the "literary" books, the "political" books, etc.....and I thought, who would I choose?

The First thought that came to mind, was a book that I haven't even read all the way through, and the associated movie that I didn't even LIKE. But nevertheless, there it was and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me...Alice in Wonderland...

Now, I have to admit, I immediately drew a correlation between this story and my life right now. I wish I could be the spiritual and/or mental/literary giant everyone thinks I am (hahahhaha) and say something profound about how I would pick "The Life of Pi" or some other random popular book right now, or maybe a classic like "Crime and Punishment" (one of those 400 billion page books that you suffer through in school and then tell people you read on summer break and they think you're all dark and twisty...). But nope....I chose a story about a non-sensical place a girl visits to get away from the boring and logical life, when she should have just followed her "own very good advice...", not going where she isn't invited and lounging around with Dinah the cat....

I mean, if I were at dinner with these guys, what would I say?

I would probably ask the Cheshire Cat "Why must you persist in evading the answers to my questions with riddles and then disappear?" (Although I would later realize.... that his definition of madness is merely doing the opposite of what everyone else thinks is normal and may, in fact, actually be sanity...and....if you don't care where you end up, it doesn't matter which way you go....)

I might talk to the rabbit about time management, so he wouldn't be rushing around so much...

Maybe I would ask for some of the mushroom to make me shrink when I wanted to hide or make me bigger when I was scared.....

And if the Queen of Hearts didn't threaten to "off my head", I might ask her how she got her name, when she obviously beheads anyone and everyone that does not follow her rules or do things to her liking...

I could possibly convince the Mad Hatter to give me an "Un-Birthday" party....



Let's just say that it would probably annoy the hell out of me...and yet, I would probably learn more about reality from these nonsensical characters than anyone else...and maybe more about my own life. Who would you have dinner with?

stuff....and stuff....

I had posted this some time ago on my MySpace blog and felt the need for revision...

Elizabeth Elliot has said.. "You can always choose to be grateful for what is given, or ungrateful for what is not. One or the other becomes a way of life."

I'm afraid that the "latter" has been my way of life for WAY too long. So, I reflect on this list and hope to add to it frequently.
You have to be purposeful about these things, so here's my list......I love and am grateful for...

the smell of cut grass... coffee...finding something unique... flowers... journals...being able to walk, jump, skip, run, and stretch...music that touches your soul...being able to sweat...flipflops in summer...the sound of seagulls...the heat outside that's only okay in Florida because you know the beach is there...friends that give you room to breathe...finger painting...weeping willows...hummingbirds...crisp mornings...sisters...water fountains...Chinese street signs...cats that like Eggo cereal and cool whip...visiting friends...revelations from God...twirling...anything Bohemian...ice...a cool breeze...people that know your name...a good, strong back...indian chai...a good night's sleep...Back to the Future, over and over again...grocery shopping when you're hungry...the smell of clothes after being on the clothesline...owls...fingerless gloves and legwarmers....smores...barf bags on planes...unexpected and spontaneous trips...double knit thermal shirts...secret hideouts...pumpkins...Christmas cookie cutters...wax lips...nostalgia...grilled cheese..killer boot camp gym classes...new shoes...aisle seats...wind chimes..snowcones...the coolness of satin pillowcases...the smell of freshly cut rhubarb...disco hits, especially 'Le Freak'...running....time alone....care packages and snail mail....the smell of Cabbage Patch Dolls that doesn't seem to fade over time...seeing someone realize God has just touched them...

Now go post your own...

The words I need, the words I pray......

I naturally tend to lean toward having a "melancholy" personality. And while at times, this can be beneficial in the area of creativity, it can lead to precision introspection. A little self awareness can be good, realizing why you think and do the things you do. But, at some point, SELF awareness is a little TOO self and a little LESS aware. Self-focused, self-conscious, self, self, self......Less aware of God, other people and their feelings, and anyone else's problems, concerns, and struggles in general. And shouldn't someone so self aware have all the answers and...... therefore, be able to overcome said issues and react to other people in the most loving and caring way???

Well, with all this analyzing going on....there's so much inside.... that NOTHING makes sense. And this is obviously frustrating for me, Miss Fix-it. I think God is teaching me, in not-so-subtle ways that.....that kind of fleshly coping isn't going to work anymore. And it hurts, sucks, etc....ad infinum. My prayers haven't been much of ANYTHING lately..almost non-existent.....more of a leaning on Jesus, who says that He is always interceding for me. Because for someone who always has an answer.....I have nothing to say..... And sadly...I still don't trust Him most days, to be praying for what I think I need. How prideful!

So, I turn to the words of the illustrious poet...aka songwriter Garrison Starr....


What makes you think...you gotta hold the world on your shoulders
and handle that load...
And who gave you...the fine-toothed comb to judge your every move
before you've even started to make one...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?...
You're dying....

Subtle was the way the clouds rolled in on you....to fog up your windows
and darken your view...
An unforgiving face who dared you to escape, living for the chance
to scare you back in place...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open you eyes?...
You're dying....

It's no way.....to live so safe...
All wrapped up in my fears til I just suffocate
I will get through
if it's the last thing I do........

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day....for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?..
You're dying...


It IS a beautiful day for flying.....I'm scared as hell, but I DO want to open my eyes...and not just to myself...to God, to others....
I hope that's what Jesus is praying for me....Wait....maybe those are all the words I need?....

Conversations

I was talking with a good friend today..you know, those talks where you're just catching up, yammering on about the mundane details of life, what you've been up to, just how dysfunctional your family is, what movies you've seen lately....and somehow the conversation took a turn I didn't see coming....

I haven't really had much in common with this particular friend for a while now, and our talks seemed more like pleasantries, something you keep going because, for Pete's sake, at one time you were SO close...She's married, I am SO NOT.....she's just had a child, I'm nowhere near and terrified of Motherhood in general....she's so self assured, confident, creative.....and me, well, I just don't know who I am anymore....

And as we talked, it was like a window opened...and i could breathe again...I started to be honest again, more than I have in a long time....I allowed myself to be seen by my friend, whom I thought had disappeared forever...and one little ray of hope began to illuminate the dark closet I've been hiding in longer than I care to admit...

Without all the specifics, as you can see I am more than a little guarded.....God gave me a gift today in the love of my friend....and maybe it's just enough to point me back.....to me....the REAL ME. I hope so......Man, I love the sound of that......HOPE.

A "Magical" weekend

Just spent the weekend with the fam....more time than I typically allow myself in a two consecutive day period (spending the day at Magic Springs on Saturday and all day Sunday moving my sister into her new pad) and it never fails to show me a few things about myself and the people whom I am supposed to know the best....

1. I have an immeasurable amount of IMPATIENCE when it comes to my sister and the many times that she changes her mind in any given 3 minute period.....especially when it comes to deciding which of her HEAVY belongings she wants moved and the short amount of notice involved when it comes to her showing up and demanding said objects......She has always been this way and yet I still expect that to change....But hey....at least THIS residence has not been deemed "condemned" by the city....

2. I am a very big chicken when it comes to doing things that are scary...aka "the Plummet Summit" at Magic Springs, of which every kid over 36 inches tall in the 500 feet vicinity was happily getting in line for, while I cowered in fear....(at one point, as i was screaming, no sound was coming out anymore). I did, however, break out and take a risk by floating in the "Lazy River" fully dressed....wooohoo.

3. I totally forget to eat, several meals at a time, while I am trying to get a big project done and wonder why I feel like crap (does that mean I'm Bipolar?)

4. My Dad sweats more than I thought was humanly possible and it is ALWAYS a good idea to have a towel around....

5. My brother has a surprising capacity to remain quiet when his sisters, Mom and girlfriend are all spazzing out around him....

6. Despite how much sunscreen I put on my face, I always get burned..speaking of....after my head got sunburned at the Buffalo, it started peeling and looked like major dandruff......


oh those family moments....and yet, somehow...I think I'll probably look back on those photos of us on the "log ride" and smile... (especially the one where I tried to not scream in my sister's ear, so I turned sideways and it looks as if my teeth are about to come out of my head)....yep, good times.