Passive-Agressive BS= BAD... A little honesty=GOOD

Is anyone out there just tired of passive-aggressive BULLSHIT? Sorry for the blatant and probably "improper" description of my inability to deal with this crap any longer, but...For one day, I wish that everyone HAD to say what they really mean. Not that we would all have to say exactly what is in our heads, but...when we are asked a question, we answer honestly. When someone hurts or wrongs us, we tell them. And when we hurt or wrong others, they have the guts to tell us, instead of ignoring, the "silent treatment" (my personal favorite), the snide remarks, the talking about IT and YOU behind your back, or all the myriad of ways that people try to "get back" at you by manipulating....


It's probably obvious that an incident, or maybe just a LONG series of incidents, has sparked this sentiment. True...you got me..I am supposed to know that, as a Christian, I am only responsible for the way I respond, because I can't change others. Well, I'm having a hard time being a "good Christian" about a certain situation in my life right now. I have tried to tell a particular person that if they have an issue with me, to let me know...instead of all of the above behaviors and THEN SOME...but it continues...It's really sad that I am actually to the point of wanting to end the relationship completely, just mainly, I admit, out of self-protection. Today I could have walked away and never looked back...In this case, that would be difficult since this person is in the fam. I had a similar incident with a friend lately, who apparently had been angry and or hurt by something they felt I was doing and instead of saying anything, he just blew up at me out of nowhere and told me he was done making any effort in our friendship anymore. I admit, I can be clueless sometimes, but this person "prides" himself on "being honest" and regularly gripes about people, in general, not saying what they really mean!

I don't know if I made the right call by letting that end things between us or not. At the time, I was so shocked and a bit pissed at someone trying to manipulate me, that I let it go...let him go. I just don't need that in my life. It's sad that a friendship ended over it, especially one that had lasted almost 9 years, but I couldn't see having to prove myself to this person over and over again. As far as the family member with which I have the ongoing issue, it's not just between us. He drags others into the situation and it is causing strain on those relationships. I wish I didn't care about it, but it takes a toll on me. My relationship with this person, in turn, I believe, has colored the way I see God. Things haven't been that great in my spiritual life for quite some time and, in a way, I have started to see God as the Master Manipulator...using my circumstances and hurts to ultimately, get me to do what He wants. It made me wonder if I will ever or was I ever (?) loved, aside from my behavior...It makes me not want to be vulnerable to anyone, because I fear the same rejection, if I don't please that person. I hate that I think that. I hate that I let humans dictate how I feel about God, considering the relationship we have had in the past and that He is just NOT human! I miss Him, but I have kept Him at arm's length, because I know I have failed so much lately.

Maybe I'm just a big hypocrite...in fact, it's highly bloody likely. I'm just tired of living life based on what other people want and yet, am torn because of the maturity I am supposed to have in being able to forgive and live as if life does not just revolve around me. I'm tired of having regrets too..so...anyway...there it is...This time, even if it is just on paper, I'm saying what I mean, and hoping that it becomes a habit. Not in a "steamroller" kind of way that uses the truth to bludgeon people and as an excuse to say everything on my mind under the guise of "just being honest" (which is bullshit, too)...but maybe a little honesty will get me somewhere too.

My very own good advice.........

I strolled into Starbuck's, as usual, last Wednsday after my workout. After ordering my Venti Hazelnut coffee, I grabbed the latest "Sync". It comes out every Wednesday and I love turning to the first page inside to see what the "Question of the Week" is in the "Meet the Staff" section. The answers to these questions are always very telling and I find myself thinking about what I might say in response...

Today's question was "If you could have dinner with the characters from any book, which one would you choose and why?"

Of course, there were the typical..."The Bible, it would be the experience of a lifetime..." or other such sentiments...the "literary" books, the "political" books, etc.....and I thought, who would I choose?

The First thought that came to mind, was a book that I haven't even read all the way through, and the associated movie that I didn't even LIKE. But nevertheless, there it was and the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me...Alice in Wonderland...

Now, I have to admit, I immediately drew a correlation between this story and my life right now. I wish I could be the spiritual and/or mental/literary giant everyone thinks I am (hahahhaha) and say something profound about how I would pick "The Life of Pi" or some other random popular book right now, or maybe a classic like "Crime and Punishment" (one of those 400 billion page books that you suffer through in school and then tell people you read on summer break and they think you're all dark and twisty...). But nope....I chose a story about a non-sensical place a girl visits to get away from the boring and logical life, when she should have just followed her "own very good advice...", not going where she isn't invited and lounging around with Dinah the cat....

I mean, if I were at dinner with these guys, what would I say?

I would probably ask the Cheshire Cat "Why must you persist in evading the answers to my questions with riddles and then disappear?" (Although I would later realize.... that his definition of madness is merely doing the opposite of what everyone else thinks is normal and may, in fact, actually be sanity...and....if you don't care where you end up, it doesn't matter which way you go....)

I might talk to the rabbit about time management, so he wouldn't be rushing around so much...

Maybe I would ask for some of the mushroom to make me shrink when I wanted to hide or make me bigger when I was scared.....

And if the Queen of Hearts didn't threaten to "off my head", I might ask her how she got her name, when she obviously beheads anyone and everyone that does not follow her rules or do things to her liking...

I could possibly convince the Mad Hatter to give me an "Un-Birthday" party....



Let's just say that it would probably annoy the hell out of me...and yet, I would probably learn more about reality from these nonsensical characters than anyone else...and maybe more about my own life. Who would you have dinner with?

stuff....and stuff....

I had posted this some time ago on my MySpace blog and felt the need for revision...

Elizabeth Elliot has said.. "You can always choose to be grateful for what is given, or ungrateful for what is not. One or the other becomes a way of life."

I'm afraid that the "latter" has been my way of life for WAY too long. So, I reflect on this list and hope to add to it frequently.
You have to be purposeful about these things, so here's my list......I love and am grateful for...

the smell of cut grass... coffee...finding something unique... flowers... journals...being able to walk, jump, skip, run, and stretch...music that touches your soul...being able to sweat...flipflops in summer...the sound of seagulls...the heat outside that's only okay in Florida because you know the beach is there...friends that give you room to breathe...finger painting...weeping willows...hummingbirds...crisp mornings...sisters...water fountains...Chinese street signs...cats that like Eggo cereal and cool whip...visiting friends...revelations from God...twirling...anything Bohemian...ice...a cool breeze...people that know your name...a good, strong back...indian chai...a good night's sleep...Back to the Future, over and over again...grocery shopping when you're hungry...the smell of clothes after being on the clothesline...owls...fingerless gloves and legwarmers....smores...barf bags on planes...unexpected and spontaneous trips...double knit thermal shirts...secret hideouts...pumpkins...Christmas cookie cutters...wax lips...nostalgia...grilled cheese..killer boot camp gym classes...new shoes...aisle seats...wind chimes..snowcones...the coolness of satin pillowcases...the smell of freshly cut rhubarb...disco hits, especially 'Le Freak'...running....time alone....care packages and snail mail....the smell of Cabbage Patch Dolls that doesn't seem to fade over time...seeing someone realize God has just touched them...

Now go post your own...

The words I need, the words I pray......

I naturally tend to lean toward having a "melancholy" personality. And while at times, this can be beneficial in the area of creativity, it can lead to precision introspection. A little self awareness can be good, realizing why you think and do the things you do. But, at some point, SELF awareness is a little TOO self and a little LESS aware. Self-focused, self-conscious, self, self, self......Less aware of God, other people and their feelings, and anyone else's problems, concerns, and struggles in general. And shouldn't someone so self aware have all the answers and...... therefore, be able to overcome said issues and react to other people in the most loving and caring way???

Well, with all this analyzing going on....there's so much inside.... that NOTHING makes sense. And this is obviously frustrating for me, Miss Fix-it. I think God is teaching me, in not-so-subtle ways that.....that kind of fleshly coping isn't going to work anymore. And it hurts, sucks, etc....ad infinum. My prayers haven't been much of ANYTHING lately..almost non-existent.....more of a leaning on Jesus, who says that He is always interceding for me. Because for someone who always has an answer.....I have nothing to say..... And sadly...I still don't trust Him most days, to be praying for what I think I need. How prideful!

So, I turn to the words of the illustrious poet...aka songwriter Garrison Starr....


What makes you think...you gotta hold the world on your shoulders
and handle that load...
And who gave you...the fine-toothed comb to judge your every move
before you've even started to make one...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?...
You're dying....

Subtle was the way the clouds rolled in on you....to fog up your windows
and darken your view...
An unforgiving face who dared you to escape, living for the chance
to scare you back in place...

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day... for flying
Don't you want to open you eyes?...
You're dying....

It's no way.....to live so safe...
All wrapped up in my fears til I just suffocate
I will get through
if it's the last thing I do........

Hey girl, it's a beautiful day....for flying
Don't you want to open your eyes?..
You're dying...


It IS a beautiful day for flying.....I'm scared as hell, but I DO want to open my eyes...and not just to myself...to God, to others....
I hope that's what Jesus is praying for me....Wait....maybe those are all the words I need?....

Conversations

I was talking with a good friend today..you know, those talks where you're just catching up, yammering on about the mundane details of life, what you've been up to, just how dysfunctional your family is, what movies you've seen lately....and somehow the conversation took a turn I didn't see coming....

I haven't really had much in common with this particular friend for a while now, and our talks seemed more like pleasantries, something you keep going because, for Pete's sake, at one time you were SO close...She's married, I am SO NOT.....she's just had a child, I'm nowhere near and terrified of Motherhood in general....she's so self assured, confident, creative.....and me, well, I just don't know who I am anymore....

And as we talked, it was like a window opened...and i could breathe again...I started to be honest again, more than I have in a long time....I allowed myself to be seen by my friend, whom I thought had disappeared forever...and one little ray of hope began to illuminate the dark closet I've been hiding in longer than I care to admit...

Without all the specifics, as you can see I am more than a little guarded.....God gave me a gift today in the love of my friend....and maybe it's just enough to point me back.....to me....the REAL ME. I hope so......Man, I love the sound of that......HOPE.

A "Magical" weekend

Just spent the weekend with the fam....more time than I typically allow myself in a two consecutive day period (spending the day at Magic Springs on Saturday and all day Sunday moving my sister into her new pad) and it never fails to show me a few things about myself and the people whom I am supposed to know the best....

1. I have an immeasurable amount of IMPATIENCE when it comes to my sister and the many times that she changes her mind in any given 3 minute period.....especially when it comes to deciding which of her HEAVY belongings she wants moved and the short amount of notice involved when it comes to her showing up and demanding said objects......She has always been this way and yet I still expect that to change....But hey....at least THIS residence has not been deemed "condemned" by the city....

2. I am a very big chicken when it comes to doing things that are scary...aka "the Plummet Summit" at Magic Springs, of which every kid over 36 inches tall in the 500 feet vicinity was happily getting in line for, while I cowered in fear....(at one point, as i was screaming, no sound was coming out anymore). I did, however, break out and take a risk by floating in the "Lazy River" fully dressed....wooohoo.

3. I totally forget to eat, several meals at a time, while I am trying to get a big project done and wonder why I feel like crap (does that mean I'm Bipolar?)

4. My Dad sweats more than I thought was humanly possible and it is ALWAYS a good idea to have a towel around....

5. My brother has a surprising capacity to remain quiet when his sisters, Mom and girlfriend are all spazzing out around him....

6. Despite how much sunscreen I put on my face, I always get burned..speaking of....after my head got sunburned at the Buffalo, it started peeling and looked like major dandruff......


oh those family moments....and yet, somehow...I think I'll probably look back on those photos of us on the "log ride" and smile... (especially the one where I tried to not scream in my sister's ear, so I turned sideways and it looks as if my teeth are about to come out of my head)....yep, good times.

Godbye Harrison

Well, I am finally home from the metropolis of Harrison....home of the weird and otherwise inbred community that I have spent the last 2 months commuting back and forth to...I must say that it was hard to say goodbye, but I will remember fondly.....

*Irene......oh Irene.....the Super 8 lady who, almost every week without fail, had to save some belongings I had left behind (my pillow, my robe, my cell phone), turn off the coffee pot I had left on in my room when I went to work, find my pillow case in the hotel laundry, fix the computer....I could go on...

*The coffee shop, of which I do think was named "The Strange Brew" (it definately was), where I ws privileged enough to witness "tango night" on a portable wood floor, with guys my age( short ones) dancing with "cougar"like women wearing low cut dresses (of which the guys had their faces in, because they only were as tall as each woman's bust)....apparently there is a shortage of women in that town....

*the Mennonite bakery who saw me on a fairly routine basis, buying "monster" cookies.....

*And all the interesting patients I took care of, nurses I worked with, and doctors that picked on me.....

I sadly say.....it's with a heavy heart that I sign up for shifts at St Vincent's this week....hopefully Colorado is on my agenda soon.........